Damn I was just nine years old playing with barbies and shit……(robbed of my innocence)
Damn, I am actually surprised I can remember everything that happened.. just a little girl that looked up to her older cousin like she was the big sister I never had….
I don’t know why molestation is such a big thing in church families... yes I am a pastor's grandkid btw, and it happened right in the pastor’s house........
I always looked up to my cousin and wanted to go wherever she was going and always wanted to be around her.. I genuinely looked at her like she was my older sister.. But I guess the sisterly love was not mutual at all....
I remember I was staying the night at my grandmom's house and I had slept in the bed with my cousin.. I remember her waking me up in the middle of the night and telling me to perform sexual acts on her.. I was so young and innocent and she was my older cousin so in the moment I felt like I could not say no... just thinking about this makes me want to throw the fuck up… (excuse my language y’all)... I remember my grandmom walking in and yelling.... IDK she must have felt something, maybe that’s why she came in and got me out the room and then I went to go sleep with her in the living room.
I am honestly sitting here thinking about how little my body was at 9 like I was just a little girl smh......
The sad part about all of this is that I was blamed for what happened..It was said to my face that I should not have slept in the room with her.. like damn I am 9 years old I didn’t know my cousin was going to take advantage of me... I gave the person who blamed me grace for that though as I got older because I realized that her generation swept everything under the rug….
“Am I a lesbian mom” my mom said I used to always ask her that when I was younger. I was so little to even be asking those types of questions... but that was just the beginning of what she did to me psychologically
Did the sexual abuse stop after that?? No she then continued, and it got worse she started making me perform sexual acts with another close family member (he will tell his story one day too).. And she would take us in the bathroom and have us doing things to each other... it got so bad that when she wasn’t around , we would do things with each other without her around us... I know y’all are probably wondering how did it keep happening. Well, sadly we had moved back to my grandmom's and that cousin was living there as well. So what would happen is when everybody would be sleep, she would wake me and the other family member up in the middle of the night and it became a routine. He was 8yrs old at the time btw.
The Grooming
Looking back I do remember her teaching me how to dance, but she always would have me dancing sexually, like doing hand stands on the walls at 9 shaking my little butt.. Now that I think about it, she was definitely grooming me for what she was about to put me through.. Like it really all makes sense now…
So with me being molested at a young age came with me losing my virginity at 14 years old......
Age 18.. I don’t know what had come over me, but I went in my room and cried to God and asked him to release me from this sex addiction.. I cried so bad and even though I grew up in church and knowing God.. That was honestly my first time really calling out to him asking for help.. I honestly did not know what had come over me, but it was heavy.. I just wanted it gone forreal... The relationship I was in during this time really showed I had a problem.... that was a part of the addiction.. It was definitely a sex demon attached to me though from being molested….
Age 27 I was living at my grandmom's and me , my mom and sisters were having a talk in the room.. I will never forget this and I just burst out crying randomly telling them how much it still affects me mentally. I just could not stop crying I just wanted the mental battles I was having from that happening to be released from me.. the crazy thing is the room we were in was the room where it had taken place with my cousin.... I strongly believe there was demons still in that room like a heavy spirit... After that moment I had started applying to apartments and months later that’s when I got approved for my place and moved out. The demons from that sexual abuse kept haunting me even as a grown adult young woman in that house.. it also showed me that you cannot heal in places where you have been hurt.....
Dear Trauma you suck!!
Even though the molestation took place between the ages of nine and ten it affected me tremendously as an adult as you can see...
Here are some ways how it affected me as an adult woman
· Very hypersexual ( loved the act of sex)
· Very dominant in bed because I was scared of somebody trying to control me
· I needed to control everything and everyone and if I couldn't, I just didn’t want to be bothered
(this came from me being in a situation where I had no control so it manifested in me needing to be controlling in the bedroom and in relationships)
· Never felt worthy or valued
· Avoided intimacy in relationships
· Did not really like physical touch
· Dissociated and was disconnected during sex mentally but physically would be there
· Severe depression
· I always struggled with guilt or shame psychologically because I was blamed for what was done to me so that resulted in me feeling very ashamed of myself
I can honestly say I forgive my cousin wholeheartedly. It was hard to forgive though, man, because the mental battles and struggles I always blamed her for. If we really being real she was always protected in our family even as an adult so of course it took a little long to fully forgive her…When I got older, I was told that she was being molested as well by a man on her moms side. So now I look back, like it makes sense—she was doing what was done to her. I am just happy I am self aware now because I really used to think something was wrong with me.
Am I fully healed from it? No, not fully, but the trauma work sessions I continue to do have helped me so much when it comes to my sexual trauma…I can see the healing working just by me being way more affectionate now, I finally felt that safe feeling with a man during intimacy, I finally released that feeling of shame and guilt. I continuously work on my worthiness in this world because the molestation snatched it away from me. Celibacy also played a big part in my journey of healing from the sexual trauma as well.
To any woman that has been through sexual abuse/molestation, just know you are not alone. This journey is not easy, man, at all. Just give yourself grace and know that we will be ALRIGHT. 🤞🏾🤞🏾
I just have to say one more thing
DAMN it was some shit happening behind the walls at 86… (my childhood home)
Stay tuned for my next blog….
