Why does this feel so familiar? (same patterns showing up in different men? PART TWO

Whew, well Mr. Chocolate definitely took me for a little ride, didn’t he?…..

But the thing is, he wasn’t the only one. Remember how I said I only built a connection with two men since my last relationship?

Well, let’s talk about the second one. We can call him Mr. Conscious… well, he thought he was. LOL.

If Mr. Chocolate was a lesson, this next one was the pop quiz I still wasn’t ready for. Now this one whew, where do we start?

This connection was only 6 months, and to keep it real with y’all, it ended like 2 months ago…

So yeah, let’s get into it.

Same cycle. New man. Different lesson.

I’m so tired of these goddamn lessons. Like, am I hard-headed or what?

So, me and Mr. Conscious he actually presented himself that way, that’s why I named him that. LOL.

Our chemistry was A1, so intense, so deeeeppp…

I actually knew him from way back, like high school days never really paid attention to him though. Just last year was when he started being real persistent, reacting and replying to my stories.

One day, I finally replied. (Well, I would always reply, but it wouldn’t go nowhere.) But this time it did. I think he replied to my story, I responded, and the convo led to him getting my number because atp I was like fuck it.

He wasn’t really my type either. He was attractive though, with pretty ass eyes…

We would text and send voice messages back and forth, and idk… certain things we talked about definitely were giving red flags with the way he responded to stuff.

What I did like was our convos were very intellectual, so it felt good to talk to somebody like that.

But what was alarming was the bitterness he had toward certain people in his past like ex-girlfriends.

Idk… I noted that, because it always gave “they did something to him,” and he had no part in anything.

And yes, I know you can be hurt, but damn with everybody? You gonna play the blame game?

(So in my head, I would always think like, mmm he probably doesn’t take accountability.)

All of this was in the summer, and I kind of just stopped responding after a while because something just felt off…

I remember letting one of my friends listen to one of his voice messages, and she was like, “Girllll he sounds crazy.” LMAOO.

Then November rolls around, and I had a dream about him. So I told him… and that’s how we started talking again.

Now do y’all see how ya girl just ignores her intuition? Why tf would I even talk to him again 🤣 after my intuition was screaming

When we finally saw each other, he surprised me with a Lego set. He said, “I saw you post a status on Facebook about how much you love Lego sets.” (I do love building Legos.) So yeah, that was very thoughtful of him. Then we went to sit by the water and had a deep conversation that lasted for hours…

Idk. Our chemistry was so fire 😫😫

I think that’s what was blinding my grown ass but then again, I should’ve never started talking to him again in the first place.

So days go by, we vibin’. My birthday comes around. He had wanted to take me away for that weekend, but I just wasn’t with it. Idk why…

Of course, we kept seeing each other. Great convo. Great phone convos.

But little things started to happen. He became a lil too clingy, too fast. Started saying how I react to everybody man FB post (which was definitely NOT the truth). I feel like because we had a lot of mutuals on Facebook, it gave that vibe.

He was a lil possessive. He always would say, “I hate people.”

Idk we too grown to be walking around saying that. LOL.

He was also very introverted, but I feel like it was because he didn’t trust nobody. That was another thing his trust issues were too much for me.

He was always on edge too idk like something little could tick him off …( that was definitely a red flag)

He complained all the time. It was giving… he wanted me to baby him. Idk.

Here go me, researching on Google: “How do men with mommy issues act in relationships?”

Because all that shit got projected onto me.

I felt smothered.

And mind you, y’all we were not even in a relationship.

He always claimed he was a healer, but he was the one who needed it. SHITTT.

LOL remind me to stay away from the “woke” men PULEASE…

He did ask me to be his girlfriend though. But I would really go around answering the question because I was unsure.

Deep down I knew there were too many red flags already showing before he even asked.

I think the arguments are what sealed the deal for me.

Y’all probably like, “What could y’all possibly be arguing about?”

It would literally be dumb stuff, but he did not know how to control his anger. And when we would argue lawddd the way my body would feel… I did not like it.

I would literally start hyperventilating.

(and remember from my blog about the domestic violence relationship I still get ptsd if a man lashes out or has anger issues)

Who y’all think it reminded me of?

Yup. There goes my Pop Pop showing up in men again…

My grandfather would react in a very emotionally unstable way during conflict. I remember those feelings growing up and here I am, playing that out with a man that ain’t even my man.

There goes that goddamn familiarity that keeps showing up for me…

And it’s crazy because as y’all can see I see the red flags early on.

It’s just me always trying to go against what I see.

Or is it that there are still self-worth issues lingering around somewhere?

Ehh… maybe

So yeah, I do believe once it got intimate (we only were intimate twice) and this guy came two years after Mr. Chocolate.

So I went to abstaining again after him Mr Chocolate…..

And here I am… breaking another 2-year bid with somebody I should’ve held off with…

The D was good though. Not even going to hold you. That was probably the first man that ever made me feel safe in my body. Whew.

But I had to learn… the D will blind you, man. It will blind you so bad.

It was weird though how I felt safe in my body with him during sex, but that was the only time.

I mean… was it really me feeling safe?

Or was he just the first man in my life to press magic buttons and figure my body out?

TMI TMI lmaooo.

Our connection was giving Huda and Jeremiah from Love Island.

Very toxic. Very delu delu.

On a serious note though, y’all, I really had to self-reflect after dealing with him.

Like… it was too much. Too much that I didn’t even tell most of it.

Mr. Conscious would have his own chapter too if this was a book.

I blame myself though. I saw the red flags and heel-toed right over them.

I had a trauma work session, and she said to me:

“You need to ask yourself why you keep walking over red flags. Is it self-worth? Was it loneliness from being single for so long? Did you want connection so bad that you just kept going?”

And I honestly couldn’t even answer in the moment… because I didn’t even know why I overlooked the red flags.

I think now I have the answer.

I think now I have the answer.

I think it was the connection and attention from him.

He had a soft, caring side I genuinely loved. He was the kind of man who would send long paragraphs about how he felt and actually express them in person too. He also had that protector vibe…. He was a great communicator …shit he helped me work on my communication 😭😭

But whewww… all his other issues went above that. Forreal.

but good moments should never cancel out unhealthy behavior 🤷🏽‍♀️

Welp. Mr. Chocolate and Mr. Conscious… whewww. That was too familiar for me….

I mean damn, y’all I’ve been working on myself for a while now, and I honestly was embarrassed that I even saw certain things and kept going.

But I had to be real with myself and admit:

Maybe I did want the connection.

Because I was always in a relationship back to back, and not gonna lie being single for 6 years? Sometimes the loneliness would creep up…..

I mean… I’m human.

We all crave connection.

But I also had to be real with myself and say:

“When you know better, you do better.”

So Tay… stop ignoring the damn red flags.

Start believing that your intuition isn’t trying to ruin anything it’s trying to save you.

And girl… we ain’t repeating this next time…..

Why does this feel so familiar? (same patterns showing up in different men? PART ONE

First of all, can we get into how long ya girl been single? Six long assssssss years LOL.

That heartbreak I talked about in one of my previous blogs? YUP, that was the relationship. And as y’all can see, it took me tf out, and my ass been single ever since.

I used to be embarrassed to say how long I’d been single, but like… let’s be for real the dating pool got piss in it anyways, so I started to feel less bad about it. Plus, it was some inner shit I needed to work on before I got entangled with another man.

I can honestly say men left a bad taste in my mouth, so I really didn’t date that much. But there were two men I built a connection with and boy, oh boy let me tell y’all how those same patterns showed right tf up… just in different men.

LAWD. Like, Tay? Come on. You still missing red flags?

I damn sure was with these two.

Well if I’m being real I did see the red flags. But here I go, doing what I do best: ignoring my intuition.

Let’s get into the first guy.

We’ll call him Mr. Chocolate.

He matched my fly. Very funny. Not even really my type but he was fine, though. Idk why I love lightskinned men lol. I’ve been told to move it on over to the chocolate side I heard that’s where the grown men at. And that’s definitely what he was giving… real grown.

But that don’t mean nothing once you sprinkle emotional unavailability on it LOL.

He used to heart most of my stories and swipe up sometimes, but the thing is ….he was doing all that while he was in a relationship….I would just heart his replies mostly or just say Thank you…

Now that should’ve been the first red flag.

A year later, he becomes single and starts applying pressure in my Instagram DMs. And listen… he caught me at the right time, because ya girl was drunk the night I gave him my number.

And just like that? Hours and hours of phone conversations followed.

At the time, I was living in Philly and he was living in NY. He’d ask me out on dates, and definitely suggested I come stay the weekend with him. But honestly, I just wasn’t with it.

Because I already knew what would come with that.

I go out there, we have a good weekend… and then what?

Yeah come on. Y’all know what was gonna be up.

But I wasn’t with it at all. I didn’t have it in me to be sexual with a man after my ex…..

I was hesitant with him from the beginning.

Idk… something about him made me pause.

Still, we kept up our routine regular phone convos, three to four hours long. He’d call me while he was at work. We texted a lot.

I even invited him to be my date to my friend’s wedding, and he was ready. Asking when he should take off work, all excited to come.

But I changed my mind and went by myself.

Another year went by.

We still hadn’t seen each other in person, but we’d talk here and there. Still had that strong-ass chemistry though. But if I’m being honest I was the one playing at that point.

Eventually, we did go on a date.

He took me to this Caribbean spot in Philly that plays Afrobeat music. He said he chose it because he knew I loved Afrobeats.

(Okay, that was cute.)

Now, before the date even happened, he said, “After we eat, do you wanna get a room and have a nightcap?”

Idk why that gave red flag. I mean, I know we’re grown, but it felt like…

“Since I’m finally taking you out, I better get something in return.”

And in my head, I was also like, Do you do this with every woman?

Even though I said no at first after the date, I was like, “Fuck it. You can get the room.”

But y’all as I was saying it, I knew I didn’t want to. I don’t even know why I said yes.

So yeah, he gets the room. And of course HE SCORED.

Good for him. Not so much for me.

Because the whole time, I was detached in the moment.

Sexually, mentally, emotionally I wasn’t even there.

And that’s how I knew something was off.

Because the chemistry was real outside the bedroom but it did not follow us in there.

I had been abstinent for two years.

And to be real with y’all I would’ve wanted to break that with a better situation. Or a relationship. Something with meaning……

And y’all we even told each other “I love you” a few times in those long convos….

Looking back, it was more fantasy than reality but at the time ya girl was being delu delu 😭😭

So the next morning, he drops me off…

And the next day?

Oh, the next dayyyyy…

crickets.

And there it was.

The pattern showing up again.

I had seen the emotional unavailability in the phone calls. I overlooked things he said because the connection was bomb. But it all felt so… familiar.

My ex was very emotionally unavailable, so that’s where the familiarity came in with Mr. Chocolate.

But if I’m being real? The root of it all was me….

I kept attracting emotionally unavailable men because deep down, that stems from my daddy wounds.

Yes, there’s so much more I could say about Mr. Chocolate. But then this would turn into many parts and I ain’t tryna drag it.

If this was a book, he’d have a whole chapter.

But looking back, it wasn’t even about Mr. Chocolate.

It was about me still not trusting myself.

I felt the red flags.

I heard my intuition.

And still, I moved anyway.

Not out of desire but out of pattern.

A pattern of ignoring my spirit just to feel some kind of connection… even if it wasn’t the right kind.

He was cool. But let’s be real he showed me that emotional unavailability can come in a fly ass package.

And the worst part?

I felt it…

But I said “fuck it” anyway.

And that’s what I had to sit with.

Not him disappearing.

But the dumb feeling. The embarrassment.

I wasn’t even mad at him ….I was mad at me.

Because deep down… I already knew.

I knew what that pattern was serving the minute it showed up.

Part 2 in next blog

Idk Dad , I needed you (daddy issues , mending our relationship)

“You won’t ever need no other man.”

Every Valentine’s Day, he would say that to me, kiss me on the cheek, and hand me jewelry, a teddy bear, or flowers.

Well… up until I turned 14.

I was “First Lady” in his phone. The surprise birthday parties were a yearly thing every single birthday. He made sure I felt celebrated, seen, and loved the best he could.

And when that stopped, there I was young, confused, and already starting to search for him in men…..

I didn’t understand it at the time. I really thought it meant I wasn’t good enough… like maybe I did something wrong.

My first relationship started when I was 15, and that one turned into another… and another… I was in back-to-back relationships until I was 25.

Ya girl was codependent as fuck. But there I was, still searching for that love from him.

I guess the abandonment made me very clingy and attached to men in an unhealthy way, of course.

There were periods where we would talk in my 20’s , but y’all wanna know what’s crazy? I always had to reach out to him. It hurt, man. I always would reach out, and then we would talk, but it just never was enough for me. So I would either just not respond, or it would just fade.

I don’t know. I feel like I used to always want to ask, “Why did you forget me? Your first born?”

(It didnt make it any better that he was being a father to my two other sisters and not me)

But I never had the guts to say it… and it damn sure played out in my relationships with men. LAWDDDD.

So those times where I would reach out definitely manifested in me becoming very over-functioning in relationships me initiating texts, apologizing when I did nothing wrong, the fear of being forgotten had me doing these things…

That little girl in me always used to feel forgotten. So it’s like I would attract men who would overlook me. Here I am reminding them of my value by being an overgiver, performing in the bedroom all crazy, and tolerating bad behavior.

Damn, it’s crazy how a parent being absent can show up in your relationships. It’s actually embarrassing looking back at a lot of things I put up with in romantic relationships.

I always wondered if my dad was around during those times, would things have really been different?

I will never forget the one and only time where I actually felt jealousy in my body.

I remember it was Valentine’s Day, and I was with my ex. He didn’t get me anything or even acknowledge the day. It’s crazy because in that moment I thought about when my dad would surprise me every Valentine’s Day when I was a little girl.

In that moment, I felt forgotten because here I was overgiving and getting nothing in return.

I remember that night I was curious and I peeked on my little sister’s Facebook page. I always randomly checked her page. It actually sucks we aren’t closer, especially since I am a true family girl at heart.

I hate that most men create broken families because most times they create siblings that aren’t even close or they pick and choose which children they want to be dads to in the moment…

But let me get back on topic.

I remember going on her page and reading, word for word,

“I can always count on my dad to show up for me for Valentine’s Day. He never misses it.”

I felt so jealous, forgotten, and not worthy in that moment after seeing that and there I was, laying with a man who was making me feel the same exact way. SMH.

I always would think about him when we weren’t talking. It was always like a missing piece in my heart and a heaviness that I would silently carry… but then there was always the other side of it where the bitterness would creep up, and I would say in my mind,

“Fuck him. He don’t give a fuck about me because if he did, he would be playing his role as a father in my life.”

So at 29, it was heavy. I kept thinking about my dad all the time, and I kept saying to myself: by 30, I have to make a decision…..do I want to really rekindle this with him or just start grieving a man that’s alive who created me?

But no matter how long I pondered on the thought of reconnection with him, I honestly felt like I reached out enough. It was time for him to step up.

It was weird and random how we actually rekindled though

So at 30, my uncle overdosed. You know how when somebody dies, there are always so many people at the house the first week after the death?

I walked outside it was like around 8 or 9 pm and this black Dodge Charger stopped in front of my grandmom house. I was lowkey thinking,

“Who the fuck is this with tinted windows stopping in front of the house?”

I heard a male voice say, “Tay.” I was like, “Who is that?” and he yelled back, “Your dad.”

My heart actually sank a little, but I walked toward the car, and he got out and gave me a hug that felt like a long couple of minutes. Lol. It felt good though it was a hug I missed for real. And he kissed me on my forehead…..another thing he would always do when I was younger.

He said, “I knew something was going on because of all the cars that were outside.” I mentioned to him what was going on and how my uncle passed away.

Then we talked, and he FaceTimed my grandma (his mom). When she saw my face, she started crying and kept saying,

“I prayed to God that he would bring you back into my life.”

It’s sad, but when I wasn’t talking to him, it felt like the family stopped talking to me too…

Pretty childish but y’all know how momma’s boy families can be! 🤣

After the FaceTime call, I gave him my number. And yeah, that’s how we rekindled the father-daughter bond.

It’s crazy, right? How I was going to reach out and couldn’t, and God just made it so a moment happened where we aligned in a beautiful, random way. Lol.

A couple weeks later, he called me just saying how he wished he could have been a better father. He apologized and told me he knew he could have done better.

He also told me “ Thank you for giving me a second chance because most daughters dont do that”

I was able to tell him about past relationships, and he acknowledged that he knew I went through those things with men because he wasn’t around. It felt good to hear the apology. I still had to wait to see if the actions followed behind that though because in the past the actions did not add up…….

And surprisingly they did but I also knew that a relationship works both ways. So I had to play my part as a daughter if I wanted to keep this consistent and growing.

I feel like I used to always have the mindset like he owed me something. So with that mindset came,

“You need to be kissing my ass in order for this to work.”

I realized as I matured that you either going to really forgive him or have that childish-ass mindset. And guess what, y’all?

I truly forgive my dad 🤞🏾🤞🏾

I learned a lot on this journey and one thing I learned is that my parents were young when they had me with no handbook on this shit and had their own stuff they did not deal with….

I’m not justifying his absence or excusing the damage, but I realized my dad had a lot of trauma he did not work through and what he gave was the best he could.

It sucks that parents don’t realize how certain things affect their children, but holding onto that resentment was killing me inside, man.

At 31, our relationship is finally consistent and thriving. I’m just grateful to have my big dawg back in my life.

We’re starting fresh… building from where we are now, instead of staying stuck in the past.

Now, just because he’s in my life doesn’t make all the daddy issues go away. I am still working through them to attract the best partner.

Even with him back in my life, the work didn’t stop. I still had to look at how all those years without him shaped how I showed up in love and whew, it shaped a lot. Let me break it down.

How My Dad’s Absence Affected My Relationships with Men:

• Codependency: I relied on men to fill the void my dad left, leading me to lose myself trying to be everything for someone else

• Fear of Abandonment: I was constantly anxious about being forgotten or left behind, so I over-functioned to keep men around initiating texts, apologizing first, and sacrificing my own goddamn needs all the time

• Seeking Validation: I performed emotionally and physically in relationships, hoping that love and attention would make me feel “seen” and “worthy.”

• Tolerating Bad Behavior: Because I felt unseen, I often tolerated disrespect or neglect, believing that was all I deserved.

• Unhealthy Attachment: I got attached fast and hard, struggling to set boundaries or walk away from toxic situations

• Jealousy and Insecurity: My unresolved feelings of abandonment showed up as jealousy and mistrust, even when it wasn’t warranted

• Difficulty Trusting: I had a hard time fully trusting men, always questioning their intentions because deep down I was still waiting to be “forgotten.”

• Replaying Patterns: I subconsciously attracted men who mirrored my dad’s absence emotionally unavailable or inconsistent because it felt familiar, even if it hurt 😞😞

Healing from daddy issues has not been easy, and it’s still a work in progress.

I know not everyone can forgive their parents and that’s okay.

But for me, forgiving him wasn’t about excusing the pain…

It was about breaking the cycle.

I’m still learning how to love myself better, set boundaries, and stop settling for less than I deserve.

If you’re out here healing from a father wound, I see you and we’re on this journey together, girl 🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾

One step at a time.

And always remember:

We’re going to get what we deserve in LOVE.

It’s coming. ❤️❤️❤️

𝑮𝒊𝒓𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒖𝒍𝒔𝒊𝒗𝒆 AF (𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒎𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝑪𝒂𝒍𝒊 ) Part Two

Part Two

It started off small

Little things.

Energy shifts I tried to ignore.

A comment here, an attitude there…

But have you ever tried to talk yourself out of your own intuition? Yeah… that part.

Talking myself out of what I felt has always been my thing … especially when I don’t want to accept the truth about somebody I love.

So let me break it down when it started to go left….

Because when I stepped off that one-way flight to Cali, I thought everything was going to be oh-so right.

I guess the little signs that turned into big ones started during an event at our apartment. My best friend had some of his people over. He was part of this ballroom group … I forget the name … but one of the guys had a low cut with his beard dyed blonde. Another was a photographer….

The very next week, y’all…

My friend dyed his beard blonde and pulled out this camera he had one he didn’t even know how to use … and told me he wanted to get into photography….

Now y’all might be thinking, “Okay, and?” But no.

It was giving copycat energy … and I noted that.

And when that same behavior started happening toward me, I was like… hmm.

My friend was someone who usually dressed in dark colors … masculine, laid-back style. But out of nowhere, it started giving, “I wanna dress like my best friend.” I couldn’t explain it, but it felt off.

One time, he FaceTimed his sister to show her an outfit before we headed to an event. She said,

“You look nice did Tay style you?” (I hadn’t.) He replied, “No,” and sucked his teeth.

Noted.

Like… it wasn’t even that deep to get smart, but I laughed it off.

The next day, he hit me with:

“You haven’t worn anything that would make me change the way I dress.”

Mmmkay. Another mental note.

Why get smart unprovoked?

Y’all know I love reworking clothes it’s my thing. I’d be in my room reimagining outfits and just creating….

Out of nowhere, he brings out his own sewing machine and starts trying to rework pieces.

Now mind you, this is someone who moved to Cali to be an actor.

It slowly started giving competition.

Then we were at a party, and I overheard him telling someone,

“I sew. I make clothes.”

In my head …I was like… WTF?

Since when?

After that, the energy shifted even more.

Random attitudes. Controlling behavior. Possessiveness.

Little smart comments that were actually kind of mean.

Tantrums. Jealousy when other people wanted to hang out with me.

Posting me when I looked a hot mess 😒 even after I would tell him to stop

We’d go to the gym together, and he would train me … but if I forgot how a machine worked, he’d snap on me…

Everything had to revolve around him….I swear, it was like living with an energy vampire…

And the crazy part?

It hurt.

Because it felt like he loved me… and hated me at the same time.

And this wasn’t my first friendship that felt like that…

It fucking hurt, man.

So bad.

This was my friend since 7th grade.

Somebody I genuinely loved.

Losing a friend? That wasn’t on my calendar for that year either.

But here’s the thing

the flipside.

He was also so caring.

Protective.

Always cooked for us. Always thoughtful.

We had fun, y’all. Like real fun.

He would do anything for me.

That’s where the love came in.

But that other side?

The shade? The control? The comments?

Yeah… that’s the part you can’t hide for too long.

Eventually, my body started reacting.

I was out of balance, uncomfortable, and on edge…..

It was like my nervous system went into threat mode.

And that’s when it hit me.

There you go, Pop Pop.

Not just showing up in my romantic relationships …. but in my male friendships, too.

My grandfather had a very emotionally abusive side, but he also had a loving one. He’d buy you anything, protect you, show up for you… but his words? The manipulation? The disrespect? The emotional control?

That’s what it was giving with my friend.

I’d vent to one of my homegirls, telling her about the weird stuff that would happen just to make sure I wasn’t crazy.

And she said, “Girl, he does not fucking like you. You need to leave.”

But I kept turning a blind eye.

Because facing that truth? About someone you love? That shit hurts.

Another friend came to stay with me for a few days. Out of nowhere, she said,

“Tay, don’t let nobody dim your light.”

I just looked at her and shook my head.

I already knew.

The last straw?

One of his friends needed a place to stay he was about to be homeless. My friend asked me what I thought, and I told him, “If that’s your friend and you love him, I don’t mind. I don’t wanna see anybody out on the street.”

The guy moved in temporarily.

Nice Asian guy, real sweet, trying to figure things out like the rest of us were trying to do in Cali.

And then, I watched my friend… break him down….

So Controlling. Dismissive.

Mean to him …it was so embarrassing to watch man…I just couldnt believe it…

Like how can you treat somebody like that in a low place?

I told his friend when we were by ourselves “You dont let no grown ass man talk to you like that and disrespect you”

and that’s when my Pop Pop showed up again.

He always had money, and most times, he’d talk to people any kind of way because of it.

And my friend?

Yeah…

We had a talk about finances once, and he shared how much he had saved.

And in that moment, it clicked. I realized that bank account plays a part in why you treat people like you are better than them and talk to them like shit behind closed doors…SMH

This friendship was a mirror sadly….

A reflection of old wounds

And that’s when I finally saw it for what it was….

Damn this shit still hurt yall just from even talking about it……

Part Three loading…

𝑮𝒊𝒓𝒍 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒖𝒍𝒔𝒊𝒗𝒆 AF (𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒎𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝑪𝒂𝒍𝒊 ) Part One

So who impulsively moves across the country one month after making the decision?

Oh yeah… Tay does. LOL.

No plan at all … I just wanted a new life. A fresh start. A new beginning…

I decided at the end of April and left on June 1st, 2023! Cali, here I come!!!

I had a best friend at the time who lived in LA, so I reached out and asked him,

“What’s in Cali? I’m thinking about coming out there for fashion or just starting over.”

I had never visited California before. He’d been living there for a year already, so I just wanted to know his thoughts.

His reply?

“You would love it, especially for the fashion vibes. It’s a good place to network. I was thinking about getting a two-bedroom if you wanted to get an apartment together or move by yourself, it’s up to you.”

Once he said we could get a place together, there was a little relief cause Cali expensive as hell, y’all. I had so much fear about making this move, and I really didn’t want to live by myself. I was thinking like,

“THANK GOD HE OFFERED!” LOL.

We only had 30 days. He would FaceTime me apartments, and once we agreed on one, the decision was final. There was no turning back.

(And let’s keep in mind yes, he liked men! It was nothing more than friendship before y’all start assuming. LOL.)

Fast forward to the day I left …. I had two bags of luggage and a whole lot of FAITH

I gave away 75% of my wardrobe to one of my girlfriends and gave the rest of my stuff to my sisters. I was so attached to material things at the time, so it was hard to part with some of it… but ya girl was not trying to pay too many checked bag fees. LMAO!

It was such an emotional day. My family was crying …..shit, my moms was bawling! In my 29 years of life, I had never been that far away from family so I was crying too….( I was 29 when I moved)

My sister and brother dropped me off at the airport, and I couldn’t even look back to say goodbye. I was so emotional, y’all….😞😞

It was really the fear of the unknown …not knowing what was behind door #1.

So many thoughts were racing through my head while I walked to the terminal… but once again, there was no turning back.

I had two flights on the way there, and on the second one, I sat next to this woman. We started talking, and she said,

“You are so brave.”

She told me I inspired her to get back into audio engineering. She had even engineered for celebrities one of them was Kanye (I forgot the others she mentioned). We followed each other on Instagram.

I remember the pilot announcing,

“We’ll be landing in about 15 minutes…”

And in that moment… my heart sank. LOL.

Mind you, I had never even visited California and now, my first time was going to be… permanent.

Well, at least I thought it was…

My best friend picked me up from the airport, and we arrived at our place (I have to say ours loosely because it was giving I’m a guest lol).

So this, my friends, was the start of a new chapter…

When I first got there, I was still questioning if I made the right decision… but I couldn’t let that thought linger too long …. because girl, you here now. LOL.

There was this little garden on my street that had two orange butterflies that would always be there when I would go on a walk… or they would fly down the street with me sometimes….

I felt like it was God letting me know,

“You’re going to be alright.”

There was a coffee shop right around the corner that I would walk to and work from home at …..and just admire the scenery

My best friend would take me around and show me different areas of LA.

We lived in West Hollywood, like 8 minutes from Beverly Hills, so I would walk by myself to places just to get familiar with the area.

We would go to parties, clubs, eat out, different events… always vibing with different people all the time. It was fun but besides the fun, it was also very, very Hollywood. LOL. As in, it just felt very fake a lot of the time…

I had another friend that I went to high school with who lived out there as well. He was a videographer for celebrities, so I linked up with him a couple times and he showed me around, too. He would always invite me out places with him so I could meet new people and network….

For some reason, I was so scary. LOL. But we’ll get back to that…

Meanwhile, I was still adjusting not just to the move, but to who I was becoming…..

The Cali pace was different. Everything was fast, expensive, and a little overwhelming some days… but there were small pockets of peace that reminded me why I was there.

That garden on my street with the two orange butterflies? It became my own little secret Garden, my Sanctuary.

I would sit in front of it and remind myself,

“You did this Girlie!. You left. You moved. You took a risk. Don’t forget that.”

And even when the doubt crept in or the homesickness hit so, so hard, those quiet moments reminded me girl, don’t trip.

I don’t know you would think living with your Best Friend would’ve been the best experience…..

But then weird things started to happen that I began to notice…

I thought I was starting a new life…

But I didn’t realize I was walking into a different type of lesson….UGHHHHH

Stay tuned for Part Two….

God I know you're REAL ...But why cant the church be? (religious trauma and growing up as a pastors grandkid)

Appearance after appearance….

Facade after facade…

Performance after performance….

When does it end?

It ended when I started living in my truth.

When I started asking questions.

Let’s see… when did it start?

My religious trauma started in my mother’s womb,

when y’all said I was a mistake

because she was 15 and pregnant with me

And what’s interesting is,

one of the same women who called me a mistake

was out here sleeping with several of the Deacons and the Pastor at that church.

Throwing stones… when she needed to be throwing up some prayers for my mom

or praying for her own redemption…..

But they call this the “House of GOD,” right?

Tuhhh.

My family started having church in the living room

based on my mom never feeling totally accepted in church

and judged so heavily…

She made up her mind to never go back.

I was six years old

My grandmother put me in charge of praise and worship

(singing songs I didn’t even understand) LOL.

And my brother? He was in charge of offering and praying.

Every Sunday, this is what my life looked like for years

until my Grandmother started her own church.

This is really where it started lol! Yikes!

 Then of course when that happened I was forced to praise dance , sing in the choir , go to vacation bible school , attend two church services , go to sunday school and be an usher with hopes of making it to heaven because of these things LOL …..

Nothing flowed it was all forced. And that never felt right to me

Where the trauma showed up:

• Being taught to judge others while our own house was crumbling inside

• My Family pulling up to defend another family member who got slapped by a pastor like it was about to be a full on brawl

• Church leaders gossiping about members behind closed doors, but smiling in their faces in Sunday Service

• Being judged for my attire instead of focusing on the Word and unity and trying to inspire

• Being shamed for topics that should’ve been dinner table conversations

• Being taught to suppress pain and “just leave it to God”… when I needed therapy

(Faith without works is dead remember?)

• Being taught to be mean and judgmental toward non believers

• Seeing a woman of God say she was “living her dream” but going home to abuse

“All of this used to make me associate suffering with faith and silence with strength”

I will never understand!

Let me make this clear though:

I am strongly connected to God.

The church hurt? That wasn’t God’s fault.

It was some of the people who claim to be connected to Him…

but where??

I’m so happy I am releasing that programming.

The shackles on my feet from the religious trauma were HEAVY.

Do I attend church now?

Ehhh…No

The last time I went was two years ago when I lived in LA. I only attended twice though.

That church felt real …it had that

“come as you are” vibe.

But overall?

I hate that people treat church and God like they’re the same thing

It’s not, in my opinion.

I’m not less than you,because I don’t attend church.

You think because you sit in a pew,

you got a one-way ticket to heaven?

But you steady judging the Sista to the right and the left of you…

God is supposed to be LOVE, man.

What I Learned:

• Spirituality should feel like freedom not fear or a damn performance

• Religious trauma is real…I had to unlearn what doesn’t feel like unconditional love and all that false doctrine! blah blah blah!

• I outgrew the false version of “God” that was forced on me

• You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy …you just have to be honest

• God didn’t shame me… They did

• Spiritual ego is just another costume

• Religious guilt had me apologizing for human error

AND REMEMBER THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE!!!

When I walked away from all of that

and found God on my own terms,

I realized:

God is forgiving

God is loving

God cares

The best part about me finding GOD?

I found him when I stopped looking for him in people

I was never mad at God

That’s my dawg forreal ❤️❤️❤️

Now let the church say:

AMEN.

Mentally and emotionally it broke me but spiritually I needed that ( the heartbreak that led to my healing journey) Part Two

Part Two

Some say God will close a door for your protection.

He blocked me, y’all. He fucking blocked me… LOL.

I was spiraling downloading TextNow apps to curse him out, lashing out at my family, reaching out to his family — and he begged me to leave him alone.

How could this be? I was once his dream girl…

It was giving stalker, SIS… LOL.

I got tired of myself!!!

Get it together, SIS!

Know your worth!

You better than this!

(The constant tug of war in my mind.)

This was my first introduction to self-affirmations…

The self-medicating began

The partying, the drinking, the not-so-harmless flirting, the big smiles in public but the big tears in private.

Putting on a front for friends because they were so used to me moving on…

but I just didn’t have it in me this time.

Me listening to Diamonds Dancing by Future and Drake and just skipping to Drake’s part…

I had to escape the remnants of this n****….

“It was time I started to look at myself in the mirror…

I couldn’t shake why I kept attracting men like this.

It was time for accountability, man…”

When I was 26, I was introduced to trauma work sessions… and my journey to healing began.

This journey has not been easy. I have fought my memories of the past…

But remember, when things end abruptly and you really haven’t faced it…

it will show up AGAIN, AGAIN, AND AGAIN … until you finally deal with that shit.

At 28, we reunited on Facebook Messenger and we would talk here and there nothing serious though.

He asked for my number, and I said “NO we can talk on here”

I didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole again.

I entertained him in those moments because I was still hoping and wishing for that apology I never got…

The trauma work sessions were helping.

I knew I didn’t want him. I knew my worth.

But I did want that APOLOGY…

At 29, my mom and I were attending a party at the Legion in Burlington.

We were standing at the bar, and I looked back and he was standing with a friend.

We locked eyes. As awkward as it was, he hugged me, and time stood still for that short moment.

I felt it was spiritual…

THE ENDING OF A CHAPTER.

(Mind you, that was my first time seeing him since the breakup at 25.)

The next day, I received a message on Facebook:

“You left me 😔.”

I knew immediately he saw people wishing me well on my journey to Cali on Facebook…

Through our few conversations, there was one message that stuck out:

“I was doing too much, but I learned from you.

And I keep people at very high standards.

You definitely play a big part in who I am today.”

And with that message, I understood that you may never get the apology that you are looking for….

but you have a choice to accept the explanation they give and move on…

Do I forgive him? I had to… for me. I didn’t want anybody having that much power over me anymore.

But I’ll never forget this part of my life,because this heartbreak the one that almost took me out was a pivotal moment for me.

It was the moment this Fly Girl finally started healing.

Lessons Learned

· I am not the woman who can stay anymore after the first sign of disrespect

· My standards are no longer on life support

· Never compromising my mental health for a man ever again

· I needed that experience with him because it awakened parts of me that I needed to work on

· I attracted him because of the unhealed trauma that was related to the first two men I ever loved — my grandfather and my dad

· I was accepting love with neglect because my dad was absent

· I was codependent because of the abandonment issues related to my dad

These were hard truths to face, but I needed every single one of them to become a woman who finally chose herself. ❤️❤️

Stay tuned for my next blog. ❤️

Mentally and emotionally it broke me but spiritually I needed that (the heartbreak that led to my healing journey) Part One

This heartbreak? Whewwwwwwwww… This one took a bitch OUT.

How do I even start this, forreal… It’s funny how I thought he was my McDreamy (the girls that get it, get it), but I was losing pieces of myself trying to keep him.

It all started in 2014. Me and my girls walked in Wawa and went to use the bathroom… We came out, and this guy was eyeing me down. You would have thought Rihanna walked out the bathroom, no lie. I remember what I had on too. I had on my favorite tight-fitting tye dye dress with my sandals… Then the next day, I get a couple likes on a couple pics on IG, and it was him …the guy from Wawa. I didn’t even realize he was following me on IG…

I asked my friend, “You think he cute?”… So I commented on one of his pics after checking out his page after he liked my pics and was like, “You could have said hi last night. I’m not mean lol.”

He replies, “DM me.” That DM turned into a damn relationship from HELL. Lmao jk jk… no, but forreal…

It was all so good… so damn good… but idk, all honeymoon phases are always good, right??

The long talks outside while I sit on the curb and talk his head off, the check-ins, the dates, the inviting me out with him and his friends. We honestly didn’t get intimate until like 5 months in, so that was another thing that had me like, ohhhh he in it forreal lmao! I ain’t gone front, so was I tho! He don’t just want me for sex… holding hands while he would drive, talking to me throughout the whole day, edible arrangements, vibing out in the car to Shy Glizzy and Partynextdoor, him watching me in my room play dress up and put outfits together…Cooking for him ,Making him breakfast in bed I can go on and on forreal… …idk, the connection was definitely strong…like too strong it was scary… Even if it was red flags during that time, shittttttt I totally missed it…

Oh wait, I thought wrong.

Damn, how am I about to do this… Fuck.

Okay, so boom. After he threw me a surprise birthday party in January (thoughtful, right?)… that’s when things went downhill forreal. Well, not right after, but it was always something about the month of March where I found some shit out…

So, two months later after my party …here we go! His ex liking my pics then DMing me… LAWDDDDDDD, why me? LOL! Sending screenshots… The screenshots broke my heart, man, forreal. The exchange between them was wild… Coming from a man I thought was my Prince Charming or was I just DELUSIONAL?

I was confused as fuck because we would be together a lot, so I didn’t even understand or couldn’t calculate how he even had the time to deal with her as well. But one thing I know now… a man will make time!!!

All it took was for him to say, “I need you.” Why is that a man’s favorite manipulative line? But it damn sure reeled my ass right back in… with him… in those sheets leaving imprints in the bed. Smhh…

The cycle continues.

I didn’t even realize that by staying after the first sign of disrespect, I was teaching this man how to treat me and showing him what I would allow.

I saw potential… and that potential is what had me slowly losing my self-worth and self-respect that I thought I had for myself. THIS RELATIONSHIP—UGHHH.

Of course, after the cheating came months of fake peace those periods of “false hope” that had me thinking maybe, just maybe, he’d changed… But nah… it was just that: false hope.

It’s weird because I feel like I was always holding on to the honeymoon phase. That’s what kept me in that delusional state of mind…

Let’s get back to the cycle, though, because after the first time, shit really didn’t end though… LOL.

I used to feel like a sister wife! Stuck in my own real-life Love and HipHop, seriously. My intuition was strong as fuck in that relationship, not going to lie, but I always turned my left cheek because I did not want to face another lie. But somehow, some way, another woman would pop right on up…

Fake pages hitting me up, exes popping up all the time, women that he smashing lurking on my page, different trips to the obgyn, women he’s smashing liking pics of me and him on his page LOL. Women trying to hang with me but knowing they are smashing my man DF. Women that didn’t like me would always somehow end up in his bed…and the list goes on…..

I am not going to lie, it was just fucking embarrassing, honestly…

Imma be real with y’all I don’t think I ever met somebody who got the award for Worst Cheater! I used to think in my head, he needs some pointers ’cause bookie was always getting caught. Lmaooo.

It’s like the longer I stayed, the insecurities, bitterness, and anger just kept building up… I was questioning my self-worth constantly, like,

“Am I not enough?”

“Am I not pretty enough?”

I became super codependent and controlling thinking I could control his every move because of the fear of another surprise from another woman…

The more I was hurting, the more I wanted to make him hurt too. I would chew his ass up every chance I got. I would talk to him like he meant nothing at all to me …straight trashing him because I was hurting… I was just angry. I didn’t understand somebody who says they love you and could keep hurting you over and over again… It just did not make sense to me???????

“You’re crazy” was his favorite line… Yeah, I actually was crazy for staying.

“You’re ungrateful” yeah, I was, because I knew the nice things he would try to do were a way to compensate for the things he was doing behind closed doors.

I became numb eventually… So the constant hurt started to turn into resentment and disgust…

Don’t get me wrong, we would have some good moments together, and sometimes he would try to do nice things. But my mind just could never stay in the moment because I just wasn’t happy with him. But I always felt an unhealthy attachment toward him… Was it an unhealthy attachment, or was it just my dad being absent?

You know it’s bad when your best friend starts crying because he did something so ratchet and embarrassing, and you’re not even crying because you’re just numb…

We actually broke up once for like six months… I mean, was it really a breakup, or did he block me? Lol! He was known for blocking me, man…

I remember one of his girl best friends calling me on Facebook Messenger and telling me everything he was doing and who he was doing it with while we were together. And I will never forget what she said:

“I don’t think he loves you. I don’t think he loves anybody… I know he has a soft spot for you, though.”

I THINK THAT WOULD MAKE ANY WOMAN FEEL WORTHLESS, FORREAL!

It’s funny because I would always go to my grandmom for advice about him, and she would always say, “Oh, that reminds me of your Pop Pop.”

And in my head, I used to think, I don’t want a man like my Pop Pop, but there I was…attracting him. Smh. (My Pop Pop was a rolling stone, man, and that’s exactly what I attracted.)

During the first breakup, I remember my mom saying to me, “I just want my daughter back.” I had completely lost myself, and it was showing.

My mom also yelled at me with tears in her eyes mine too! and said,

“You need to love yourself!!!!”

Meanwhile, she is staring at me. I’m looking like Holiday Heart… smh. Bonnet and all. Lmao!

After the six-month breakup, we get back together. I mean, they do say time heals and makes the heart fonder, but the time we were apart should have stayed permanent. because it was only a second until the cheating started happening again.

So here I am, part of the Matrix… and evolution of bullshit once again.

I won’t bore you guys with each and every cheat-get-caught scenario, but let me share with y’all what was my breaking point…

So… are you done now Tay?

Generational Curse Activated (domestic violence)

Trigger Warning

Please read with care and pause if needed.

This was definitely a time in my life that I do not want to relive… but welp, here we are.

I was about 18 years old. Me and him became really close as friends.

(He liked me for years though I just never looked at him in that way.)

He was the funniest person ever to me and just really cool to be around. He wasn’t really my type, but y’all know how opposites attract, right?

I never would’ve thought that the guy who had me laughing out my pants would be the same guy who almost took my life.

I honestly didn’t even realize I was in a domestic violence relationship until I started my healing journey…

When It Started

Who knew missing his phone call would have him pulling up and gripping me up…

Damn. That was when it all started.

I was actually confused, but honestly y’all, I grew up in a household where I experienced emotional abuse and saw physical abuse A LOT…

So when he gripped me up, I just assumed that was normal. I thought, Oh, this is him showing he cares.

I used to be so confused though, because we were really goofy together.

We’d vibe out to our favorite songs, dance in the room together… joke around a lot.

But that switch, man ..that freaking switch was scary.

It’s like when he got mad, I saw no soul in his eyes at all.

And it just kept getting worse from there…

• Spitting in my face while telling me he hated me in front of his mom

• Forcing me to have sex with him after arguments or physical altercations

• Pushing me out of a moving car

• Squaring up with me like I was a man in the street

• Chasing me with a knife while I ran down the street in my panties

• Calling me names just to try to make me cry—but I never would. I don’t know what was wrong with me, I was just numb emotionally during that time

• Gripping me up if he thought I was looking at another guy

• Breaking into my grandmom’s house through the windows if I missed his call to put his hands on me

• Isolating me from my friends

…And the list goes on. Sigh.

I used to always question myself, like… “Is it really that bad?”

Because right after those episodes, he’d be back to making me laugh or showing love like nothing happened.

I know it sounds wild that I stayed… but back then, I didn’t know what love was supposed to feel like.

I always saw abuse in relationships growing up, so I thought all of this was normal.

Looking back, I can honestly say I wasn’t an angel. I was young, immature, and I definitely did things that weren’t always right.

But let me be clear: none of that ever justified the way he treated me.

Thank You

At the time, I had a friend who came to my rescue every damn time.

I honestly believe if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be here.

I always had to call her to come get me out of some of those crazy situations with him…

Looking back, that was a lot for anyone to carry at our age.

But during that time, she never left me hanging.

She was one of the most loyal people in my life back then …and for that, I’m grateful.

The Dream That Woke Me Up

I’ll never forget this dream. It woke me straight out my sleep.

THE DREAM

I was in the bathroom at my grandmom’s, and this snake was chasing me around in circles.

But the snake had a Versace print on it.

Weird, right? Because he always wore clothes with that kind of print.

The snake finally caught my hand—my right hand, to be exact.

I was scared and anxious as hell in the dream, trying to take the snake off my hand.

But I couldn’t. It felt like it was trying to bite my hand off.

I woke up in the middle of the night and started Googling:

“What do snakes mean in dreams?”

There were all these different meanings, but something told me to ask my grandmom.

She’s always been good at interpreting dreams.

When I explained it to her, she told me:

“That dream means you’re sleeping with the enemy.”

That scared the hell out of me because she didn’t even know I was in an abusive relationship.

I had never told anyone in my family what was going on.

The Night That Confirmed It All

Me and him were in the car, driving on our way back to his house.

He thought I was looking at a guy in another car he swore it was my ex.

He starts yelling, pulls over in a residential area, throws my purse in the street, and says:

“Get the fuck out.”

I jump out and run to grab my purse in front of the car…

And he tries to run me over.

I picked up my phone and called my best friend, describing where I was.

And there she was once again, showing up with no hesitation:

“I’m on my way.”

I start walking down the street, but he turned the car around after he saw I was on the phone.

He threw me back in the car, slammed my leg in the door, and sped off doing 100 down the road.

He starts yelling:

“I’ll kill us right now.”

I saw my life flash before my eyes.

So I started talking to him calmly

(I always had to do this when he’d rage like that):

“Babe, stop. I love you.”

He started to calm down.

I convinced him to pull into a Family Dollar parking lot, and I lied and told him I needed something to drink.

I got out the car, called my best friend again, told her where I was…

And once again, she was on her way with no hesitation.

There was so much more that happened that night,

but my best friend ended up coming to get me and taking me to my mom’s.

Whew… that night was a lot, man.

That night made me realize the dream was the warning.

My grandmom was right.

I was sleeping with the enemy.

You would think that would’ve been enough to leave,

but it wasn’t…

The fear, man. The fear.

Smh.

But eventually, God made it so he left me…

Months later, he got a call from a coach to play a sport across the country.

And that’s how that story ended with me and him…Well I did still talk to him sometimes while he was away but it just faded…

I’m just happy I’m still here to tell it.

I always look back and say:

“Damn… God really loves me.”

Because I didn’t know how I was gonna get out of it…

My Body Remembered What I Tried to Forget

I would’ve never known that years later,

I’d just now be recovering from that relationship.

I was honestly disconnected , dissociated and blocked it out from my mind for a long time.

It took an incident at 27 when we saw each other in traffic for it all to come back.

The moment I saw him, my body literally started shaking. It didnt make it no better that he was literally screaming my name out his car window saying “I love you TeAysia” 😒

That experience had me fearing men for a while.

It put me on pause when it came to dating.

The fear was still living in my body and my nervous system.

It took seeing him again being triggered in real time—to fully realize how deeply it still affected me.

Even though that relationship happened when I was 18, and I’d been physically free for years…

You see how I really wasn’t free until I started healing from it?

Once Again, Dear Trauma… You Suck.

I ended up trying this form of somatic therapy called brainspotting,

and it actually helped me release some of the emotions tied to that relationship that were still stuck inside me.

Welp, Still Triggered

When I was 28, I went out to a club with a friend.

Now, I never really check who views my Instagram stories,

but something told me that night:

“Tay, check your views right tf now.”

The story had only been up for like 2 minutes…

He was watching it.

I started hyperventilating.

The friend I was with didn’t know about the relationship,

so I kept it in —being Strong Tay Always— So I didn’t say anything.

I tried to go back to partying like nothing happened

because I didn’t want to ruin the night…

But my body started feeling physically sick.

I couldn’t shake the anxiety.

I didn’t know if he knew where I was, or how long he had been watching my page.

Was he nearby? Was he tracking me?

My mind was spiraling and my body was reacting.

Do y’all see what trauma does to you?

To your mind… and to your body?!

Ughhh…

I didn’t even go back to my apartment that night.

I went to my mom’s.

And honestly, I barely returned to my apartment , I had a beautifully decorated apartment that I was afraid to sleep at…all because of him watching my IG stories

The trauma and anxiety had me too scared to go back and be alone.

Lessons I Learned

• Leave a man who shows signs of jealousy and control

• The love associated with chaos and abuse I saw growing up doesn’t belong in my love story

• I was literally going through a generational curse that my grandmom and mom also went through

• A man putting his hands on you is NOT love. Period

• Steer clear of men who put you down emotionally

• Love does NOT involve physical or emotional abuse

• I’m worth so much more than that kind of love

• If I had loved myself more at the time, I wouldn’t have thought that was what I deserved

• Never judge a woman in an abusive relationship… you don’t know the psychological or emotional warfare she’s going through

• Codependency and abandonment issues had me staying in situations that compromised my mental health and self-worth

• Society normalizes obsession as love… but I learned that’s actually emotional control

• I now pay attention to any man who shows signs of possessiveness

I honestly just want to say to any woman going through this:

You will and you can make it out.

Don’t let the toxicity in society that’s been normalized make you feel like this is love because it’s not.

Real love does not hurt you. Real love does not break your spirit.

Make sure the people around you know what’s going on.

Not many women are making it out these days alive…

But you can.

You still can.

❤️ Stay tuned for my next blog…

Damn I was just nine years old playing with barbies and shit……(robbed of my innocence)

Damn, I am actually surprised I can remember everything that happened.. just a little girl that looked up to her older cousin like she was the big sister I never had….

I don’t know why molestation is such a big thing in church families... yes I am a pastor's grandkid btw, and it happened right in the pastor’s house........

I always looked up to my cousin and wanted to go wherever she was going and always wanted to be around her.. I genuinely looked at her like she was my older sister.. But I guess the sisterly love was not mutual at all....

I remember I was staying the night at my grandmom's house and I had slept in the bed with my cousin.. I remember her waking me up in the middle of the night and telling me to perform sexual acts on her.. I was so young and innocent and she was my older cousin so in the moment I felt like I could not say no... just thinking about this makes me want to throw the fuck up… (excuse my language y’all)... I remember my grandmom walking in and yelling.... IDK she must have felt something, maybe that’s why she came in and got me out the room and then I went to go sleep with her in the living room.

I am honestly sitting here thinking about how little my body was at 9 like I was just a little girl smh......

The sad part about all of this is that I was blamed for what happened..It was said to my face that I should not have slept in the room with her.. like damn I am 9 years old I didn’t know my cousin was going to take advantage of me... I gave the person who blamed me grace for that though as I got older because I realized that her generation swept everything under the rug….

“Am I a lesbian mom” my mom said I used to always ask her that when I was younger. I was so little to even be asking those types of questions... but that was just the beginning of what she did to me psychologically

Did the sexual abuse stop after that?? No she then continued, and it got worse she started making me perform sexual acts with another close family member (he will tell his story one day too).. And she would take us in the bathroom and have us doing things to each other... it got so bad that when she wasn’t around , we would do things with each other without her around us... I know y’all are probably wondering how did it keep happening. Well, sadly we had moved back to my grandmom's and that cousin was living there as well. So what would happen is when everybody would be sleep, she would wake me and the other family member up in the middle of the night and it became a routine. He was 8yrs old at the time btw.

The Grooming

Looking back I do remember her teaching me how to dance, but she always would have me dancing sexually, like doing hand stands on the walls at 9 shaking my little butt.. Now that I think about it, she was definitely grooming me for what she was about to put me through.. Like it really all makes sense now…

So with me being molested at a young age came with me losing my virginity at 14 years old......

Age 18.. I don’t know what had come over me, but I went in my room and cried to God and asked him to release me from this sex addiction.. I cried so bad and even though I grew up in church and knowing God.. That was honestly my first time really calling out to him asking for help.. I honestly did not know what had come over me, but it was heavy.. I just wanted it gone forreal... The relationship I was in during this time really showed I had a problem.... that was a part of the addiction.. It was definitely a sex demon attached to me though from being molested….

Age 27 I was living at my grandmom's and me , my mom and sisters were having a talk in the room.. I will never forget this and I just burst out crying randomly telling them how much it still affects me mentally. I just could not stop crying I just wanted the mental battles I was having from that happening to be released from me.. the crazy thing is the room we were in was the room where it had taken place with my cousin.... I strongly believe there was demons still in that room like a heavy spirit... After that moment I had started applying to apartments and months later that’s when I got approved for my place and moved out. The demons from that sexual abuse kept haunting me even as a grown adult young woman in that house.. it also showed me that you cannot heal in places where you have been hurt.....

Dear Trauma you suck!!

Even though the molestation took place between the ages of nine and ten it affected me tremendously as an adult as you can see...

Here are some ways how it affected me as an adult woman

·       Very hypersexual ( loved the act of sex)
·       Very dominant in bed because I was scared of somebody trying to control me
·       I needed to control everything and everyone and if I couldn't, I just didn’t want to be bothered
(this came from me being in a situation where I had no control so it manifested in me needing to be controlling in the bedroom and in relationships)
·       Never felt worthy or valued
·       Avoided intimacy in relationships
·       Did not really like physical touch
·       Dissociated and was disconnected during sex mentally but physically would be there
·       Severe depression
·       I always struggled with guilt or shame psychologically because I was blamed for what was done to me so that resulted in me feeling very ashamed of myself

I can honestly say I forgive my cousin wholeheartedly. It was hard to forgive though, man, because the mental battles and struggles I always blamed her for. If we really being real she was always protected in our family even as an adult so of course it took a little long to fully forgive her…When I got older, I was told that she was being molested as well by a man on her moms side. So now I look back, like it makes sense—she was doing what was done to her. I am just happy I am self aware now because I really used to think something was wrong with me.

Am I fully healed from it? No, not fully, but the trauma work sessions I continue to do have helped me so much when it comes to my sexual trauma…I can see the healing working just by me being way more affectionate now, I finally felt that safe feeling with a man during intimacy, I finally released that feeling of shame and guilt. I continuously work on my worthiness in this world because the molestation snatched it away from me. Celibacy also played a big part in my journey of healing from the sexual trauma as well.

To any woman that has been through sexual abuse/molestation, just know you are not alone. This journey is not easy, man, at all. Just give yourself grace and know that we will be ALRIGHT. 🤞🏾🤞🏾

I just have to say one more thing

DAMN it was some shit happening behind the walls at 86… (my childhood home)

Stay tuned for my next blog….