Mentally and emotionally it broke me but spiritually I needed that ( the heartbreak that led to my healing journey) Part Two

Part Two

Some say God will close a door for your protection.

He blocked me, y’all. He fucking blocked me… LOL.

I was spiraling downloading TextNow apps to curse him out, lashing out at my family, reaching out to his family and he begged me to leave him alone.

How could this be? I was once his dream girl…🤣🤣 JK

It was giving stalker, SIS… LOL.

I got tired of myself!!!

Get it together, SIS!

Know your worth!

You better than this!

(The constant tug of war in my mind.)

This was my first introduction to self-affirmations…

The self-medicating began

The partying, the drinking, the not-so-harmless flirting, the big smiles in public but the big tears in private.

Putting on a front for friends because they were so used to me moving on…

but I just didn’t have it in me this time.

I had to escape the remnants of this n****….

It was time I started to look at myself in the mirror…

I couldn’t shake why I kept attracting men like this.

It was time for accountability, man…

When I was 26, I was introduced to trauma work sessions… and my journey to healing began.

This journey has not been easy. I have fought so many memories of my past…

But remember, when things end abruptly and you really haven’t faced it…

it will show up AGAIN, AGAIN, AND AGAIN … until you finally deal with that shit.

At 28, we reunited on Facebook Messenger and we would talk here and there nothing serious though.

He asked for my number, and I said “NO we can talk on here”

I didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole again.

I entertained him in those moments because I was still hoping and wishing for that apology I never got…

The trauma work sessions were helping.

I knew I didn’t want him. I knew my worth.

But I did want that APOLOGY…

At 29, my mom and I were attending a party at the Legion in Burlington.

We were standing at the bar, and I looked back and he was standing with a friend.

We locked eyes. As awkward as it was, he hugged me, and time stood still for that short moment.

I felt it was spiritual…like

THE ENDING OF A CHAPTER.

(Mind you, that was my first time seeing him since the breakup at 25.)

The next day, I received a message on Facebook:

“You left me 😔.”

I knew immediately he saw people wishing me well on my journey moving to Cali on Facebook…

Through our few conversations, there was one message that stuck out:

“I was doing too much, but I learned from you.

And I keep people at very high standards.

You definitely play a big part in who I am today.”

And with that message, I understood that you may never get the apology that you are looking for….

but you have a choice to accept the explanation they give and move on…

Do I forgive him? I had to… for me. I didn’t want anybody having that much power over me anymore.

But I’ll never forget this part of my life,because this heartbreak the one that almost took me out was a pivotal moment for me.

It was the moment this Fly Girl finally started healing.

Lessons Learned

· I am not the woman who can stay anymore after the first sign of disrespect

· My standards are no longer on life support

· Never compromising my mental health for a man ever again

· I needed that experience with him because it awakened parts of me that I needed to work on within myself

· I attracted him because of the unhealed trauma that was related to the first two men I ever loved my grandfather and my dad

· I was accepting love with neglect because my dad was absent in my life during that time

· I was codependent because of the abandonment issues related to my dad

These were hard truths to face, but I needed every single one of them to become a woman who finally chose herself. ❤️❤️

Stay tuned for my next blog. ❤️

Mentally and emotionally it broke me but spiritually I needed that (the heartbreak that led to my healing journey) Part One

This heartbreak? Whewwwwwwwww… This one took a bitch OUT.

How do I even start this, forreal… It’s funny how I thought he was my McDreamy (the girls that get it, get it), but I was losing pieces of myself trying to keep him.

It all started in 2014. Me and my girls walked in Wawa and went to use the bathroom… We came out, and this guy was eyeing me down. You would have thought Rihanna walked out the bathroom, no lie. I remember what I had on too. I had on my favorite tight-fitting tye dye dress with my sandals… Then the next day, I get a couple likes on a couple pics on IG, and it was him …the guy from Wawa. I didn’t even realize he was following me on IG…

I asked my friend, “You think he cute?”… So I commented on one of his pics after checking out his page after he liked my pics and was like, “You could have said hi last night. I’m not mean lol.”

He replies, “DM me.” That DM turned into a damn relationship from HELL. Lmao jk jk… no, but forreal…

It was all so good… so damn good… but idk, all honeymoon phases are always good, right??

The long talks outside while I sit on the curb and talk his head off, the check-ins, the dates, the inviting me out with him and his friends. We honestly didn’t get intimate until like 5 months in, so that was another thing that had me like, ohhhh he in it forreal lmao! I ain’t gone front, so was I tho! He don’t just want me for sex… holding hands while he would drive, talking to me throughout the whole day, edible arrangements, vibing out in the car to Shy Glizzy and Partynextdoor, him watching me in my room play dress up and put outfits together…Cooking for him ,Making him breakfast in bed I can go on and on forreal… …idk, the connection was definitely strong…like too strong it was scary… Even if it was red flags during that time, shittttttt I totally missed it…

Oh wait, I thought wrong.

Damn, how am I about to do this… Fuck.

Okay, so boom. After he threw me a surprise birthday party in January (thoughtful, right?)… that’s when things went downhill forreal. Well, not right after, but it was always something about the month of March where I found some shit out…

So, two months later after my party …here we go! His ex liking my pics then DMing me… LAWDDDDDDD, why me? LOL! Sending screenshots… The screenshots broke my heart, man, forreal. The exchange between them was wild… Coming from a man I thought was my Prince Charming or was I just DELUSIONAL?

I was confused as fuck because we would be together a lot, so I didn’t even understand or couldn’t calculate how he even had the time to deal with her as well. But one thing I know now… a man will make time!!!

All it took was for him to say, “I need you.” Why is that a man’s favorite manipulative line? But it damn sure reeled my ass right back in… with him… in those sheets leaving imprints in the bed. Smhh…

The cycle continues.

I didn’t even realize that by staying after the first sign of disrespect, I was teaching this man how to treat me and showing him what I would allow.

I saw potential… and that potential is what had me slowly losing my self-worth and self-respect that I thought I had for myself. THIS RELATIONSHIP—UGHHH.

Of course, after the cheating came months of fake peace those periods of “false hope” that had me thinking maybe, just maybe, he’d changed… But nah… it was just that: false hope.

It’s weird because I feel like I was always holding on to the honeymoon phase. That’s what kept me in that delusional state of mind…

Let’s get back to the cycle, though, because after the first time, shit really didn’t end though… LOL.

I used to feel like a sister wife! Stuck in my own real-life Love and HipHop, seriously. My intuition was strong as fuck in that relationship, not going to lie, but I always turned my left cheek because I did not want to face another lie. But somehow, some way, another woman would pop right on up…

Fake pages hitting me up, exes popping up all the time, women that he smashing lurking on my page, different trips to the obgyn, women he’s smashing liking pics of me and him on his page LOL. Women trying to hang with me but knowing they are smashing my man DF. Women that didn’t like me would always somehow end up in his bed…and the list goes on…..

I am not going to lie, it was just fucking embarrassing, honestly…

Imma be real with y’all I don’t think I ever met somebody who got the award for Worst Cheater! I used to think in my head, he needs some pointers ’cause bookie was always getting caught. Lmaooo.

It’s like the longer I stayed, the insecurities, bitterness, and anger just kept building up… I was questioning my self-worth constantly, like,

“Am I not enough?”

“Am I not pretty enough?”

I became super codependent and controlling thinking I could control his every move because of the fear of another surprise from another woman…

The more I was hurting, the more I wanted to make him hurt too. I would chew his ass up every chance I got. I would talk to him like he meant nothing at all to me …straight trashing him because I was hurting… I was just angry. I didn’t understand somebody who says they love you and could keep hurting you over and over again… It just did not make sense to me???????

“You’re crazy” was his favorite line… Yeah, I actually was crazy for staying.

“You’re ungrateful” yeah, I was, because I knew the nice things he would try to do were a way to compensate for the things he was doing behind closed doors.

I became numb eventually… So the constant hurt started to turn into resentment and disgust…

Don’t get me wrong, we would have some good moments together, and sometimes he would try to do nice things. But my mind just could never stay in the moment because I just wasn’t happy with him. But I always felt an unhealthy attachment toward him… Was it an unhealthy attachment, or was it just my dad being absent?

You know it’s bad when your best friend starts crying because he did something so ratchet and embarrassing, and you’re not even crying because you’re just numb…

We actually broke up once for like six months… I mean, was it really a breakup, or did he block me? Lol! He was known for blocking me, man…

I remember one of his girl best friends calling me on Facebook Messenger and telling me everything he was doing and who he was doing it with while we were together. And I will never forget what she said:

“I don’t think he loves you. I don’t think he loves anybody… I know he has a soft spot for you, though.”

I THINK THAT WOULD MAKE ANY WOMAN FEEL WORTHLESS, FORREAL!

It’s funny because I would always go to my grandmom for advice about him, and she would always say, “Oh, that reminds me of your Pop Pop.”

And in my head, I used to think, I don’t want a man like my Pop Pop, but there I was…attracting him. Smh. (My Pop Pop was a rolling stone, man, and that’s exactly what I attracted.)

During the first breakup, I remember my mom saying to me, “I just want my daughter back.” I had completely lost myself, and it was showing.

My mom also yelled at me with tears in her eyes mine too! and said,

“You need to love yourself!!!!”

Meanwhile, she is staring at me. I’m looking like Holiday Heart… smh. Bonnet and all. Lmao!

After the six-month breakup, we get back together. I mean, they do say time heals and makes the heart fonder, but the time we were apart should have stayed permanent. because it was only a second until the cheating started happening again.

So here I am, part of the Matrix… and evolution of bullshit once again.

I won’t bore you guys with each and every cheat-get-caught scenario, but let me share with y’all what was my breaking point…

So… are you done now Tay?

Generational Curse Activated (domestic violence)

Trigger Warning

Please read with care and pause if needed.

This was definitely a time in my life that I do not want to relive… but welp, here we are.

I was about 18 years old. Me and him became really close as friends.

(He liked me for years though I just never looked at him in that way.)

He was the funniest person ever to me and just really cool to be around. He wasn’t really my type, but y’all know how opposites attract, right?

I never would’ve thought that the guy who had me laughing out my pants would be the same guy who almost took my life.

I honestly didn’t even realize I was in a domestic violence relationship until I started my healing journey…

When It Started

Who knew missing his phone call would have him pulling up and gripping me up…

Damn. That was when it all started.

I was actually confused, but honestly y’all, I grew up in a household where I experienced emotional abuse and saw physical abuse A LOT…

So when he gripped me up, I just assumed that was normal. I thought, Oh, this is him showing he cares.

I used to be so confused though, because we were really goofy together.

We’d vibe out to our favorite songs, dance in the room together… joke around a lot.

But that switch, man ..that freaking switch was scary.

It’s like when he got mad, I saw no soul in his eyes at all.

And it just kept getting worse from there…

• Spitting in my face while telling me he hated me in front of his mom

• Forcing me to have sex with him after arguments or physical altercations

• Pushing me out of a moving car

• Squaring up with me like I was a man in the street

• Chasing me with a knife while I ran down the street in my panties

• Calling me names just to try to make me cry—but I never would. I don’t know what was wrong with me, I was just numb emotionally during that time

• Gripping me up if he thought I was looking at another guy

• Breaking into my grandmom’s house through the windows if I missed his call to put his hands on me

• Isolating me from my friends

…And the list goes on. Sigh.

I used to always question myself, like… “Is it really that bad?”

Because right after those episodes, he’d be back to making me laugh or showing love like nothing happened.

I know it sounds wild that I stayed… but back then, I didn’t know what love was supposed to feel like.

I always saw abuse in relationships growing up, so I thought all of this was normal.

Looking back, I can honestly say I wasn’t an angel. I was young, immature, and I definitely did things that weren’t always right.

But let me be clear: none of that ever justified the way he treated me.

Thank You

At the time, I had a friend who came to my rescue every damn time.

I honestly believe if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be here.

I always had to call her to come get me out of some of those crazy situations with him…

Looking back, that was a lot for anyone to carry at our age.

But during that time, she never left me hanging.

She was one of the most loyal people in my life back then …and for that, I’m grateful.

The Dream That Woke Me Up

I’ll never forget this dream. It woke me straight out my sleep.

THE DREAM

I was in the bathroom at my grandmom’s, and this snake was chasing me around in circles.

But the snake had a Versace print on it.

Weird, right? Because he always wore clothes with that kind of print.

The snake finally caught my hand—my right hand, to be exact.

I was scared and anxious as hell in the dream, trying to take the snake off my hand.

But I couldn’t. It felt like it was trying to bite my hand off.

I woke up in the middle of the night and started Googling:

“What do snakes mean in dreams?”

There were all these different meanings, but something told me to ask my grandmom.

She’s always been good at interpreting dreams.

When I explained it to her, she told me:

“That dream means you’re sleeping with the enemy.”

That scared the hell out of me because she didn’t even know I was in an abusive relationship.

I had never told anyone in my family what was going on.

The Night That Confirmed It All

Me and him were in the car, driving on our way back to his house.

He thought I was looking at a guy in another car he swore it was my ex.

He starts yelling, pulls over in a residential area, throws my purse in the street, and says:

“Get the fuck out.”

I jump out and run to grab my purse in front of the car…

And he tries to run me over.

I picked up my phone and called my best friend, describing where I was.

And there she was once again, showing up with no hesitation:

“I’m on my way.”

I start walking down the street, but he turned the car around after he saw I was on the phone.

He threw me back in the car, slammed my leg in the door, and sped off doing 100 down the road.

He starts yelling:

“I’ll kill us right now.”

I saw my life flash before my eyes.

So I started talking to him calmly

(I always had to do this when he’d rage like that):

“Babe, stop. I love you.”

He started to calm down.

I convinced him to pull into a Family Dollar parking lot, and I lied and told him I needed something to drink.

I got out the car, called my best friend again, told her where I was…

And once again, she was on her way with no hesitation.

There was so much more that happened that night,

but my best friend ended up coming to get me and taking me to my mom’s.

Whew… that night was a lot, man.

That night made me realize the dream was the warning.

My grandmom was right.

I was sleeping with the enemy.

You would think that would’ve been enough to leave,

but it wasn’t…

The fear, man. The fear.

Smh.

But eventually, God made it so he left me…

Months later, he got a call from a coach to play a sport across the country.

And that’s how that story ended with me and him…Well I did still talk to him sometimes while he was away but it just faded…

I’m just happy I’m still here to tell it.

I always look back and say:

“Damn… God really loves me.”

Because I didn’t know how I was gonna get out of it…

My Body Remembered What I Tried to Forget

I would’ve never known that years later,

I’d just now be recovering from that relationship.

I was honestly disconnected , dissociated and blocked it out from my mind for a long time.

It took an incident at 27 when we saw each other in traffic for it all to come back.

The moment I saw him, my body literally started shaking. It didnt make it no better that he was literally screaming my name out his car window saying “I love you TeAysia” 😒

That experience had me fearing men for a while.

It put me on pause when it came to dating.

The fear was still living in my body and my nervous system.

It took seeing him again being triggered in real time—to fully realize how deeply it still affected me.

Even though that relationship happened when I was 18, and I’d been physically free for years…

You see how I really wasn’t free until I started healing from it?

Once Again, Dear Trauma… You Suck.

I ended up trying this form of somatic therapy called brainspotting,

and it actually helped me release some of the emotions tied to that relationship that were still stuck inside me.

Welp, Still Triggered

When I was 28, I went out to a club with a friend.

Now, I never really check who views my Instagram stories,

but something told me that night:

“Tay, check your views right tf now.”

The story had only been up for like 2 minutes…

He was watching it.

I started hyperventilating.

The friend I was with didn’t know about the relationship,

so I kept it in —being Strong Tay Always— So I didn’t say anything.

I tried to go back to partying like nothing happened

because I didn’t want to ruin the night…

But my body started feeling physically sick.

I couldn’t shake the anxiety.

I didn’t know if he knew where I was, or how long he had been watching my page.

Was he nearby? Was he tracking me?

My mind was spiraling and my body was reacting.

Do y’all see what trauma does to you?

To your mind… and to your body?!

Ughhh…

I didn’t even go back to my apartment that night.

I went to my mom’s.

And honestly, I barely returned to my apartment , I had a beautifully decorated apartment that I was afraid to sleep at…all because of him watching my IG stories

The trauma and anxiety had me too scared to go back and be alone.

Lessons I Learned

• Leave a man who shows signs of jealousy and control

• The love associated with chaos and abuse I saw growing up doesn’t belong in my love story

• I was literally going through a generational curse that my grandmom and mom also went through

• A man putting his hands on you is NOT love. Period

• Steer clear of men who put you down emotionally

• Love does NOT involve physical or emotional abuse

• I’m worth so much more than that kind of love

• If I had loved myself more at the time, I wouldn’t have thought that was what I deserved

• Never judge a woman in an abusive relationship… you don’t know the psychological or emotional warfare she’s going through

• Codependency and abandonment issues had me staying in situations that compromised my mental health and self-worth

• Society normalizes obsession as love… but I learned that’s actually emotional control

• I now pay attention to any man who shows signs of possessiveness

I honestly just want to say to any woman going through this:

You will and you can make it out.

Don’t let the toxicity in society that’s been normalized make you feel like this is love because it’s not.

Real love does not hurt you. Real love does not break your spirit.

Make sure the people around you know what’s going on.

Not many women are making it out these days alive…

But you can.

You still can.

❤️ Stay tuned for my next blog…

Damn I was just nine years old playing with barbies and shit……(robbed of my innocence)

Damn, I am actually surprised I can remember everything that happened.. just a little girl that looked up to her older cousin like she was the big sister I never had….

I don’t know why molestation is such a big thing in church families... yes I am a pastor's grandkid btw, and it happened right in the pastor’s house........

I always looked up to my cousin and wanted to go wherever she was going and always wanted to be around her.. I genuinely looked at her like she was my older sister.. But I guess the sisterly love was not mutual at all....

I remember I was staying the night at my grandmom's house and I had slept in the bed with my cousin.. I remember her waking me up in the middle of the night and telling me to perform sexual acts on her.. I was so young and innocent and she was my older cousin so in the moment I felt like I could not say no... just thinking about this makes me want to throw the fuck up… (excuse my language y’all)... I remember my grandmom walking in and yelling.... IDK she must have felt something, maybe that’s why she came in and got me out the room and then I went to go sleep with her in the living room.

I am honestly sitting here thinking about how little my body was at 9 like I was just a little girl smh......

The sad part about all of this is that I was blamed for what happened..It was said to my face that I should not have slept in the room with her.. like damn I am 9 years old I didn’t know my cousin was going to take advantage of me... I gave the person who blamed me grace for that though as I got older because I realized that her generation swept everything under the rug….

“Am I a lesbian mom” my mom said I used to always ask her that when I was younger. I was so little to even be asking those types of questions... but that was just the beginning of what she did to me psychologically

Did the sexual abuse stop after that?? No she then continued, and it got worse she started making me perform sexual acts with another close family member (he will tell his story one day too).. And she would take us in the bathroom and have us doing things to each other... it got so bad that when she wasn’t around , we would do things with each other without her around us... I know y’all are probably wondering how did it keep happening. Well, sadly we had moved back to my grandmom's and that cousin was living there as well. So what would happen is when everybody would be sleep, she would wake me and the other family member up in the middle of the night and it became a routine. He was 8yrs old at the time btw.

The Grooming

Looking back I do remember her teaching me how to dance, but she always would have me dancing sexually, like doing hand stands on the walls at 9 shaking my little butt.. Now that I think about it, she was definitely grooming me for what she was about to put me through.. Like it really all makes sense now…

So with me being molested at a young age came with me losing my virginity at 14 years old......

Age 18.. I don’t know what had come over me, but I went in my room and cried to God and asked him to release me from this sex addiction.. I cried so bad and even though I grew up in church and knowing God.. That was honestly my first time really calling out to him asking for help.. I honestly did not know what had come over me, but it was heavy.. I just wanted it gone forreal... The relationship I was in during this time really showed I had a problem.... that was a part of the addiction.. It was definitely a sex demon attached to me though from being molested….

Age 27 I was living at my grandmom's and me , my mom and sisters were having a talk in the room.. I will never forget this and I just burst out crying randomly telling them how much it still affects me mentally. I just could not stop crying I just wanted the mental battles I was having from that happening to be released from me.. the crazy thing is the room we were in was the room where it had taken place with my cousin.... I strongly believe there was demons still in that room like a heavy spirit... After that moment I had started applying to apartments and months later that’s when I got approved for my place and moved out. The demons from that sexual abuse kept haunting me even as a grown adult young woman in that house.. it also showed me that you cannot heal in places where you have been hurt.....

Dear Trauma you suck!!

Even though the molestation took place between the ages of nine and ten it affected me tremendously as an adult as you can see...

Here are some ways how it affected me as an adult woman

·       Very hypersexual ( loved the act of sex)
·       Very dominant in bed because I was scared of somebody trying to control me
·       I needed to control everything and everyone and if I couldn't, I just didn’t want to be bothered
(this came from me being in a situation where I had no control so it manifested in me needing to be controlling in the bedroom and in relationships)
·       Never felt worthy or valued
·       Avoided intimacy in relationships
·       Did not really like physical touch
·       Dissociated and was disconnected during sex mentally but physically would be there
·       Severe depression
·       I always struggled with guilt or shame psychologically because I was blamed for what was done to me so that resulted in me feeling very ashamed of myself

I can honestly say I forgive my cousin wholeheartedly. It was hard to forgive though, man, because the mental battles and struggles I always blamed her for. If we really being real she was always protected in our family even as an adult so of course it took a little long to fully forgive her…When I got older, I was told that she was being molested as well by a man on her moms side. So now I look back, like it makes sense—she was doing what was done to her. I am just happy I am self aware now because I really used to think something was wrong with me.

Am I fully healed from it? No, not fully, but the trauma work sessions I continue to do have helped me so much when it comes to my sexual trauma…I can see the healing working just by me being way more affectionate now, I finally felt that safe feeling with a man during intimacy, I finally released that feeling of shame and guilt. I continuously work on my worthiness in this world because the molestation snatched it away from me. Celibacy also played a big part in my journey of healing from the sexual trauma as well.

To any woman that has been through sexual abuse/molestation, just know you are not alone. This journey is not easy, man, at all. Just give yourself grace and know that we will be ALRIGHT. 🤞🏾🤞🏾

I just have to say one more thing

DAMN it was some shit happening behind the walls at 86… (my childhood home)

Stay tuned for my next blog….