Generational Curse Activated (domestic violence)
Trigger Warning
Please read with care and pause if needed.
This was definitely a time in my life that I do not want to relive… but welp, here we are.
I was about 18 years old. Me and him became really close as friends.
(He liked me for years though I just never looked at him in that way.)
He was the funniest person ever to me and just really cool to be around. He wasn’t really my type, but y’all know how opposites attract, right?
I never would’ve thought that the guy who had me laughing out my pants would be the same guy who almost took my life.
I honestly didn’t even realize I was in a domestic violence relationship until I started my healing journey…
When It Started
Who knew missing his phone call would have him pulling up and gripping me up…
Damn. That was when it all started.
I was actually confused, but honestly y’all, I grew up in a household where I experienced emotional abuse and saw physical abuse A LOT…
So when he gripped me up, I just assumed that was normal. I thought, Oh, this is him showing he cares.
I used to be so confused though, because we were really goofy together.
We’d vibe out to our favorite songs, dance in the room together… joke around a lot.
But that switch, man ..that freaking switch was scary.
It’s like when he got mad, I saw no soul in his eyes at all.
And it just kept getting worse from there…
Spitting in my face while telling me he hated me in front of his mom
Forcing me to have sex with him after arguments or physical altercations
Pushing me out of a moving car
Squaring up with me like I was a man in the street
Chasing me with a knife while I ran down the street in my panties
Calling me names just to try to make me cry—but I never would. I don’t know what was wrong with me, I was just numb emotionally during that time
Gripping me up if he thought I was looking at another guy
Breaking into my grandmom’s house through the windows if I missed his call to put his hands on me
Isolating me from my friends
…And the list goes on. Sigh.
I used to always question myself, like… “Is it really that bad?”
Because right after those episodes, he’d be back to making me laugh or showing love like nothing happened.
I know it sounds wild that I stayed… but back then, I didn’t know what love was supposed to feel like.
I always saw abuse in relationships growing up, so I thought all of this was normal.
Looking back, I can honestly say I wasn’t an angel. I was young, immature, and I definitely did things that weren’t always right.
But let me be clear: none of that ever justified the way he treated me.
Thank You
At the time, I had a friend who came to my rescue every damn time.
I honestly believe if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be here.
I always had to call her to come get me out of some of those crazy situations with him…
Looking back, that was a lot for anyone to carry at our age.
But during that time, she never left me hanging.
She was one of the most loyal people in my life back then …and for that, I’m grateful.
The Dream That Woke Me Up
I’ll never forget this dream. It woke me straight out my sleep.
THE DREAM
I was in the bathroom at my grandmom’s, and this snake was chasing me around in circles.
But the snake had a Versace print on it.
Weird, right? Because he always wore clothes with that kind of print.
The snake finally caught my hand—my right hand, to be exact.
I was scared and anxious as hell in the dream, trying to take the snake off my hand.
But I couldn’t. It felt like it was trying to bite my hand off.
I woke up in the middle of the night and started Googling:
“What do snakes mean in dreams?”
There were all these different meanings, but something told me to ask my grandmom.
She’s always been good at interpreting dreams.
When I explained it to her, she told me:
“That dream means you’re sleeping with the enemy.”
That scared the hell out of me because she didn’t even know I was in an abusive relationship.
I had never told anyone in my family what was going on.
The Night That Confirmed It All
Me and him were in the car, driving on our way back to his house.
He thought I was looking at a guy in another car he swore it was my ex.
He starts yelling, pulls over in a residential area, throws my purse in the street, and says:
“Get the fuck out.”
I jump out and run to grab my purse in front of the car…
And he tries to run me over.
I picked up my phone and called my best friend, describing where I was.
And there she was once again, showing up with no hesitation:
“I’m on my way.”
I start walking down the street, but he turned the car around after he saw I was on the phone.
He threw me back in the car, slammed my leg in the door, and sped off doing 100 down the road.
He starts yelling:
“I’ll kill us right now.”
I saw my life flash before my eyes.
So I started talking to him calmly
(I always had to do this when he’d rage like that):
“Babe, stop. I love you.”
He started to calm down.
I convinced him to pull into a Family Dollar parking lot, and I lied and told him I needed something to drink.
I got out the car, called my best friend again, told her where I was…
And once again, she was on her way with no hesitation.
There was so much more that happened that night,
but my best friend ended up coming to get me and taking me to my mom’s.
Whew… that night was a lot, man.
That night made me realize the dream was the warning.
My grandmom was right.
I was sleeping with the enemy.
You would think that would’ve been enough to leave,
but it wasn’t…
The fear, man. The fear.
Smh.
But eventually, God made it so he left me…
Months later, he got a call from a coach to play a sport across the country.
And that’s how that story ended with me and him…Well I did still talk to him sometimes while he was away but it just faded…
I’m just happy I’m still here to tell it.
I always look back and say:
“Damn… God really loves me.”
Because I didn’t know how I was gonna get out of it…
My Body Remembered What I Tried to Forget
I would’ve never known that years later,
I’d just now be recovering from that relationship.
I was honestly disconnected , dissociated and blocked it out from my mind for a long time.
It took an incident at 27 when we saw each other in traffic for it all to come back.
The moment I saw him, my body literally started shaking. It didnt make it no better that he was literally screaming my name out his car window saying “I love you TeAysia” 😒
That experience had me fearing men for a while.
It put me on pause when it came to dating.
The fear was still living in my body and my nervous system.
It took seeing him again being triggered in real time—to fully realize how deeply it still affected me.
Even though that relationship happened when I was 18, and I’d been physically free for years…
You see how I really wasn’t free until I started healing from it?
Once Again, Dear Trauma… You Suck.
I ended up trying this form of somatic therapy called brainspotting,
and it actually helped me release some of the emotions tied to that relationship that were still stuck inside me.
Welp, Still Triggered
When I was 28, I went out to a club with a friend.
Now, I never really check who views my Instagram stories,
but something told me that night:
“Tay, check your views right tf now.”
The story had only been up for like 2 minutes…
He was watching it.
I started hyperventilating.
The friend I was with didn’t know about the relationship,
so I kept it in —being Strong Tay Always— So I didn’t say anything.
I tried to go back to partying like nothing happened
because I didn’t want to ruin the night…
But my body started feeling physically sick.
I couldn’t shake the anxiety.
I didn’t know if he knew where I was, or how long he had been watching my page.
Was he nearby? Was he tracking me?
My mind was spiraling and my body was reacting.
Do y’all see what trauma does to you?
To your mind… and to your body?!
Ughhh…
I didn’t even go back to my apartment that night.
I went to my mom’s.
And honestly, I barely returned to my apartment , I had a beautifully decorated apartment that I was afraid to sleep at…all because of him watching my IG stories
The trauma and anxiety had me too scared to go back and be alone.
Lessons I Learned
Leave a man who shows signs of jealousy and control
The love associated with chaos and abuse I saw growing up doesn’t belong in my love story
I was literally going through a generational curse that my grandmom and mom also went through
A man putting his hands on you is NOT love. Period
Steer clear of men who put you down emotionally
Love does NOT involve physical or emotional abuse
I’m worth so much more than that kind of love
If I had loved myself more at the time, I wouldn’t have thought that was what I deserved
Never judge a woman in an abusive relationship… you don’t know the psychological or emotional warfare she’s going through
Codependency and abandonment issues had me staying in situations that compromised my mental health and self-worth
Society normalizes obsession as love… but I learned that’s actually emotional control
I now pay attention to any man who shows signs of possessiveness
I honestly just want to say to any woman going through this:
You will and you can make it out.
Don’t let the toxicity in society that’s been normalized make you feel like this is love because it’s not.
Real love does not hurt you. Real love does not break your spirit.
Make sure the people around you know what’s going on.
Not many women are making it out these days alive…
But you can.
You still can.
❤️ Stay tuned for my next blog…
