God I know you're REAL ...Buy why cant the church be? (religious trauma and growing up as a pastors grandkid)
Appearance after appearance….
Facade after facade…
Performance after performance….
When does it end?
It ended when I started living in my truth.
When I started asking questions.
Let’s see… when did it start?
My religious trauma started in my mother’s womb,
when y’all said I was a mistake
because she was 15 and pregnant with me
And what’s interesting is,
one of the same women who called me a mistake
was out here sleeping with several of the Deacons and the Pastor at that church.
Throwing stones… when she needed to be throwing up some prayers for my mom
or praying for her own redemption…..
But they call this the “House of GOD,” right?
Tuhhh.
My family started having church in the living room
based on my mom never feeling totally accepted in church
and judged so heavily…
She made up her mind to never go back.
I was six years old
My grandmother put me in charge of praise and worship
(singing songs I didn’t even understand) LOL.
And my brother? He was in charge of offering and praying.
Every Sunday, this is what my life looked like for years
until my Grandmother started her own church.
This is really where it started lol! Yikes!
Then of course when that happened I was forced to praise dance , sing in the choir , go to vacation bible school , attend two church services , go to sunday school and be an usher with hopes of making it to heaven because of these things LOL …..
Nothing flowed it was all forced. And that never felt right to me
Where the trauma showed up:
Being taught to judge others while our own house was crumbling inside
My Family pulling up to defend another family member who got slapped by a pastor like it was about to be a full on brawl
Church leaders gossiping about members behind closed doors, but smiling in their faces in Sunday Service
Being judged for my attire instead of focusing on the Word and unity and trying to inspire
Being shamed for topics that should’ve been dinner table conversations
Being taught to suppress pain and “just leave it to God”… when I needed therapy
(Faith without works is dead remember?)
Being taught to be mean and judgmental toward non believers
Seeing a woman of God say she was “living her dream” but going home to abuse
“All of this used to make me associate suffering with faith and silence with strength”
I will never understand!
Let me make this clear though:
I am strongly connected to God.
The church hurt? That wasn’t God’s fault.
It was some of the people who claim to be connected to Him…
but where??
I’m so happy I am releasing that programming.
The shackles on my feet from the religious trauma were HEAVY.
Do I attend church now?
Ehhh…No
The last time I went was two years ago when I lived in LA. I only attended twice though.
That church felt real …it had that
“come as you are” vibe.
But overall?
I hate that people treat church and God like they’re the same thing
It’s not, in my opinion.
I’m not less than you,because I don’t attend church.
You think because you sit in a pew,
you got a one-way ticket to heaven?
But you steady judging the Sista to the right and the left of you…
God is supposed to be LOVE, man.
What I Learned:
Spirituality should feel like freedom not fear or a damn performance
Religious trauma is real…I had to unlearn what doesn’t feel like unconditional love and all that false doctrine! blah blah blah!
I outgrew the false version of “God” that was forced on me
You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy …you just have to be honest
God didn’t shame me… They did
Spiritual ego is just another costume
Religious guilt had me apologizing for human error
AND REMEMBER THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE!!!
When I walked away from all of that
and found God on my own terms,
I realized:
God is forgiving
God is loving
God cares
The best part about me finding GOD?
I found him when I stopped looking for him in people
I was never mad at God
That’s my dawg forreal ❤️❤️❤️
Now let the church say:
AMEN.
