Mentally and emotionally it broke me but spiritually I needed that ( the heartbreak that led to my healing journey) Part Two
Part Two
Some say God will close a door for your protection.
He blocked me, y’all. He fucking blocked me… LOL.
I was spiraling downloading TextNow apps to curse him out, lashing out at my family, reaching out to his family — and he begged me to leave him alone.
How could this be? I was once his dream girl…
It was giving stalker, SIS… LOL.
I got tired of myself!!!
Get it together, SIS!
Know your worth!
You better than this!
(The constant tug of war in my mind.)
This was my first introduction to self-affirmations…
The self-medicating began
The partying, the drinking, the not-so-harmless flirting, the big smiles in public but the big tears in private.
Putting on a front for friends because they were so used to me moving on…
but I just didn’t have it in me this time.
Me listening to Diamonds Dancing by Future and Drake and just skipping to Drake’s part…
I had to escape the remnants of this n****….
“It was time I started to look at myself in the mirror…
I couldn’t shake why I kept attracting men like this.
It was time for accountability, man…”
When I was 26, I was introduced to trauma work sessions… and my journey to healing began.
This journey has not been easy. I have fought my memories of the past…
But remember, when things end abruptly and you really haven’t faced it…
it will show up AGAIN, AGAIN, AND AGAIN … until you finally deal with that shit.
At 28, we reunited on Facebook Messenger and we would talk here and there nothing serious though.
He asked for my number, and I said “NO we can talk on here”
I didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole again.
I entertained him in those moments because I was still hoping and wishing for that apology I never got…
The trauma work sessions were helping.
I knew I didn’t want him. I knew my worth.
But I did want that APOLOGY…
At 29, my mom and I were attending a party at the Legion in Burlington.
We were standing at the bar, and I looked back and he was standing with a friend.
We locked eyes. As awkward as it was, he hugged me, and time stood still for that short moment.
I felt it was spiritual…
THE ENDING OF A CHAPTER.
(Mind you, that was my first time seeing him since the breakup at 25.)
The next day, I received a message on Facebook:
“You left me 😔.”
I knew immediately he saw people wishing me well on my journey to Cali on Facebook…
Through our few conversations, there was one message that stuck out:
“I was doing too much, but I learned from you.
And I keep people at very high standards.
You definitely play a big part in who I am today.”
And with that message, I understood that you may never get the apology that you are looking for….
but you have a choice to accept the explanation they give and move on…
Do I forgive him? I had to… for me. I didn’t want anybody having that much power over me anymore.
But I’ll never forget this part of my life,because this heartbreak the one that almost took me out was a pivotal moment for me.
It was the moment this Fly Girl finally started healing.
Lessons Learned
· I am not the woman who can stay anymore after the first sign of disrespect
· My standards are no longer on life support
· Never compromising my mental health for a man ever again
· I needed that experience with him because it awakened parts of me that I needed to work on
· I attracted him because of the unhealed trauma that was related to the first two men I ever loved — my grandfather and my dad
· I was accepting love with neglect because my dad was absent
· I was codependent because of the abandonment issues related to my dad
These were hard truths to face, but I needed every single one of them to become a woman who finally chose herself. ❤️❤️
Stay tuned for my next blog. ❤️
