My Mind Playing Tricks On Me ( Depression)
Well, first of all, I’m going to start off by saying FUCK DEPRESSION… I swear, you never see it coming… you truly never do.
This was definitely something I used to always battle with… I never knew why though it’s like my mind would just drift off into the dark.
To keep it real, I was never going to let it win though.
It would come passing by if I lost a job, comparing myself to others on social media, allowing men to treat me any kind of way, just not feeling good enough…
It sucked a lot because I’m such a goofy person all the time, so when it crept up on me, nobody really knew. I honestly would just go in my little shell and go ghost…
I wouldn’t want to get out of bed, wouldn’t go out with friends (I would make excuses), sit in the dark, sleep a lot…all while still posting pics in my fly ass fits forcing a smile …then reality would hit once I put that phone down… etc.
When I went through these episodes, at the time I didn’t know what those feelings were… or maybe I did know and just didn’t want to admit I was in a dark place.
I used to feel like, damn, is this girl chemically imbalanced in the head? Because why do I randomly get like this?
See, here’s the thing even in those darkest moments, I was always looking for a way out. I knew I had to find a way to take control of my life and realize:
YOU ARE NOT DEPRESSION AND DEPRESSION IS NOT YOU.
Here’s what I would have told my past self when I got into those dark moods…
You lose a job? It’s okay, you couldn’t control that … just apply for another one.
Comparing myself to others on social media? Comparison is the thief of joy, girl, and wherever you are in life, trust me, it’s in alignment.
Allowing men to treat me any kind of way? I could have walked away, but instead I had to go through those experiences to learn my worth.
Just not feeling good enough? Girl, you are good enough you just gotta teach people how to treat you and stop being a people pleaser.
So much more I could say to her when she’d get into those dark moments…
I’m not going to lie, sometimes I didn’t think I’d make it out. I was never suicidal or anything, but I actually thought the light was never going to shine or become attainable.
To be real, it didn’t matter the good things people saw in me, because if I didn’t feel that way inside, it meant nothing.
Eventually, I had to start making my way out… so once I truly identified it, I told myself it was time to take action for real, for real.
I would make little small changes like forcing myself to get out of bed, open the blinds to let the light in… some days that was all I could manage, and that was okay.
I would text a friend even if I didn’t feel like talking, or do something with clothes to try to get a creative spark going… those tiny actions helped me feel a little less stuck.
I also would pray a lot and say, “God, get me out of this.” Trust me, God carried me and was always on speed dial during those moments.
Of course, doing trauma work sessions played a big part in identifying my depression patterns… I actually understood more where the deeper parts of the depression would come from y’all know, like the molestation, childhood stuff, etc.
I didn’t know that things that happened so long ago could really still play in your mind… it’s crazy, man.
I can honestly say I manage it well now. I try to look at things from a different perspective so I won’t fall into that dark hole…
If it does creep up, I try not to sit in it. I acknowledge it and figure out quick how the heck I’m about to get out of it.
I think the part that helps me the most now is acknowledging it and not closing myself off from the people close to me…
So if you’re out here battling your own darkness, hear me loud and clear:
You are not your depression, and it doesn’t define you.
Some days are going to be harder than others and that’s okay. Shit life is hard sometimes man 😩 but what matters is that you keep showing up for yourself, even if it’s just opening the blinds, texting a friend, or saying a prayer. Those little moves add up, and slowly but surely, you start winning back your life.
For me, faith and self-talk were my lifeline. When I thought I couldn’t do it, I prayed and leaned on God’s strength. Whatever your source of light is, hold on tight that’s what will carry you through the darkest moments.
