π΄πππππππ π΄π π·ππππππΉ (πππ π° πππ ππ ππ πππππππ πππ πππ ππ πππ πππππππππππ πππ ππππ)
βI just want something fruityβ
thatβs what I would always say to the bartender at the bars. I never had a favorite drink order or anything like thatβ¦
I honestly do miss drinking sometimes. Iβm such a laid-back person, so the lq definitely would turn my ass up. But hey, once it became a vice, thatβs when I knew it was time to say goodbye.
I would say βsee you later,β but I honestly donβt know if Iβll ever drink again. Maybe, maybe not who knows.
For me, it started at age 17β¦ yup, thatβs it. Thatβs when ya girl had her first sip of PEACHKA. And it did not stop LOL. Lawdd, I remember those daysss.
Shit, me and the crew I was hanging with at the time in high school it would literally be a Monday in school and weβd be sitting around talking about who putting in on the bottle for the weekend.
HORRIBLE now that I think about it⦠we were too goddamn grown.
Good times though. Man, good freaking timesβ¦
I was definitely a lightweight when it came to drinking like 4 shots and I was always lit as fuck, lmaoo.
It was bad though, lol, because I had no self-control. I would keep going and going until I was fully out of my body and couldnβt drink no more.
So yes, that became the norm. I mean, idk it was just the thing to do: buy a bottle, get drunk, have fun. Same things started to repeatβ¦
Then the problem started showing in my last relationship with alcoholβ¦ but I didnβt identify it until I let it go completelyβ¦.
I would get so drunk and literally turn into a different person.
Like, I remember one time I punched him in his face and he was literally about to call the cops on meβ¦.
But it was always something that would come over me because Iβm not a violent person at allβ¦.
And then the more I drank, the more I would wild outβ¦
It got so bad he was embarrassed to bring me out in public if drinking was involvedβ¦..
But I wasnβt just that embarrassing with himβ¦. I was like that mostly when I got drunk. Not the violent part, but not knowing how to control my actionsβ¦. Falling over, blacking outβ¦
It was embarrassing, now that I think about it.
Even around my familyβ¦I would get so annoyed because if they saw me drinking at a family event, they would monitor me.
Literally watch me and be ready to take the drink from me or keep an eye on me because they knew the switch was coming π€£
My brother Avery would always say, βThatβs a spirit,β and I used to be in my head like, βShut up, you are so judgmental.β
Not even realizing it really was a spirit, lol.
No lie I was fun though when I would be lit, lolβ¦
My personality is very chill, and like I said before, the lq turnt me all the way up.
It was like Tay on steroids times 1000.
Well, Iβm still fun nowβ¦just a little more chill without it in my system.
Idk⦠then all that came to a stop in my late 20s.
It all started when it became a distraction for my feelings.
I was always a detached person. Like, kind of detached from reality, lowkey, in my early 20sβ¦ I know that detached part of me came early trauma thoughβ¦
Like I really gave a fuck about nothing or at least I thought I didnβtβ¦
And I ainβt even gonna lie drinking became something I leaned on when it came to sex tooβ¦
Itβs like I didnβt even want to be fully present in my body during intimacy unless I was under the influenceβ¦
I would literally want to be tipsy or drunk first, just to loosen up.
Just to stop overthinking.
Just to feel something.
Just to not feel too much.
And now, looking back, I realize how disconnected I really wasβ¦from myself, from my body, from the experience.
Thatβs not freedom.
Thatβs avoidance.
Once I started trauma work sessions, yβall at 26, after the heartbreak β¦lawdddddd did those feelings start to arise within me.
Things I ainβt never felt beforeβ¦
So, me not being used to those feelings, I started to drink moreβ¦but mainly by myself.
When I got my first place at 27, thatβs when it hit me like: Girl, you got a problem.
You know itβs bad when you drinking by yourselfβ¦ damn near a whole bottle.
It was giving ALCHYYYYYY LOLL
But after every session, more feelings would arise that I just was not used to feeling β¦and really did not want to deal with at all.
Idk β¦.itβs like when you live your life so detached and feelings start smacking you in your face, itβs hard to deal with itβ¦
The sadness, the depression, the lonelinessβ¦.
I did not want to face it.
But I damn sure could face the bottle smh.
I had to coach myself all the time:
βGirl, you made it this far to get the help, and now you drowning it out and avoiding your part.β
βYou can face this, man.β
So at 28, thatβs when I made a conscious decision to start praying to God to take the taste out of my mouth for real.
I knew it wasnβt helping me, yβall.
At 29, I did still drink β¦but it started to become just not fun anymoreβ¦
I remember when I was in Caliβ¦the best friend I lived with was a bartender.
So it was very hard not to ask him to make me a drink, because he damn sure made good ones, lol.
But it was this one time we went out, and the next morning he was telling me stuff I didβ¦.and I didnβt rememberβ¦
And thatβs when I really took it serious with praying like: βGod, take the taste now, please.β
I honestly used to hate when people would tell me something about when I was drunk and I wouldnβt remember because it was very embarrassingβ¦
At 30, I only had lq 3 times.
I honestly feel like God did answer my prayer with taking the taste out of my mouth β¦because I was turning down lq left and rightβ¦
When usually I would be first to tap the bottle or say βmake me oneβ
Itβs like you really have to be careful with what you ask for, because you just might get it.
And at 31, I made the big conscious decision to let that shit go for good.
I think for me, the biggest thing was that I felt like I was going to become boring when I go out.
I always felt like I needed an edge to be fun or to live a littleβ¦
But I honestly just love being in my body now and not overdoing it.
I do get annoyed when people ask me βwhy?β when I say I donβt drink.
Itβs like come on. NO MEANS NO, yβall. Just let it be.
I donβt even miss drinking honestlyβ¦.
And if I ever do drink again, Iβll let it come on its own.
But who knows β¦.I might not ever be attracted to it againβ¦
