𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒚, 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕 𝒈𝒐 (Forgiveness)

Damn. The bitterness was heavy

I had to let that shit go.

Sometimes I still wonder how I even found the strength to forgive….

It wasn’t easy. It damn sure wasn’t overnight.

Honestly, it was the trauma work that helped me forreal, forreal.

Because the grudges I used to hold? Whew…

They weren’t just petty. They were poison.

And they were weighing me down so bad…

So bad that it was affecting me physically…

Let’s go down memory lane real quick…

My cousin who molested me.

My abusive ex.

The ex who almost had me on First 48, lmaoo.

My dad.

My grandfather.

The close family member who blamed me for being molested.

The “friends” who weren’t really friends.

And the list goes on…

So yeah those are the people I had to learn to forgive.

It wasn’t easy, man.

I was angry. I was bitter.

It felt like carrying bricks on my chest.

But what I didn’t realize back then was…

Unforgiveness was showing up in other areas of my life.

Silent. Subtle. And destructive as hell.

I don’t know I used to always think, “Why me?”

Like why does this pain have to always come from the people I LOVE or claim that they LOVE ME…

But during the trauma work sessions, she would always try to tell me the lessons or trauma that was attached to every one of these people that I needed to learn or work through…

It sucks though, because I honestly hate that we don’t choose who our lessons show up as…

Like damn ….you really don’t.

I think the biggest thing that came with the unforgiveness was trust issues.

I just struggled so much with trusting others because I just couldn’t see past what each and every one of them did…

Then I had to realize…. do I really want to live the rest of my life like this??

LETS PAUSE REAL QUICK

BECAUSE FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN RECONNECTION…. ONLY MY DAD WAS WORTHY OF THE RECONNECTION LOL

So yeah, I had to learn that forgiveness is for me, not them.

Not to make what they did okay, not to keep the door open.

But to finally let go of the control that pain had over me.

Because the truth is unforgiveness was ruining my life. Quietly.

It showed up in the way I side-eyed people who got too close.

It showed up in how I kept expecting disappointment.

It showed up in isolating myself before I could be abandoned again.

And I was just tired of living like that…

I had to really ask myself:

DO I want to be free or do I want to stay bitter?

Because I couldn’t be both.

Don’t get it twisted …I did not forgive overnight..

HELL NOOOO LOL.

Most days I had to choose forgiveness all over again…

And some days I didn’t want to.

Some days I wanted to stay angry

Angry at my cousin who molested me.

At my ex who kept choosing other women over me.

At my abusive ex who would treat me like a rag doll.

At my grandfather who was so mean.

And so on……

but one thing I always did was let myself feel those emotions….

But y’all I had to keep showing up for myself.

Through the tears….

Through the triggers….

Through the tension in my chest…

I showed up.

Because the peace in forgiveness did not come easy…

But baby, it was worth it.

I was not about to let bitterness take me off this earth…🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️

I was not having it….

Forgiveness did not just free them it freed me

It taught me how to choose myself

How to stop abandoning me the way I did

It also reminded me that I am not what happened to me.

I am not the pain I carried.

I am the woman who survived it…

Forgiveness came with boundaries though.

I had to learn that I can forgive you and never speak to you again…

I learned that I could release the resentment and protect my peace.

Just because I let go of the hurt does not mean you get a front row seat in my world…

Privilege revoked. LOL. Access denied.

That’s growth.

That’s power.

I deserve to be free not just from them,

But from the stories that tried to convince me I was not enough…

I am not writing this as a victim

I am writing this as proof that forgiveness is possible.

And if you are still holding onto some pain right now

I see you 🫶🏾🤞🏾

Forgiveness is on the other side of that pain…

You just have to walk through the fire to get it….

Because yeah, the bitterness was heavy…

But the freedom y’all, the fucking freedom mannnnnn…

The freedom was even heavier….

And I was strong enough to carry that 🫶🏾

Love you guys ❤️🤞🏾

And just know ….it’s possible.

Whether it comes now or later…