Mentally and emotionally it broke me but spiritually I needed that (the heartbreak that led to my healing journey) Part One
This heartbreak? Whewwwwwwwww… This one took a bitch OUT.
How do I even start this, forreal… It’s funny how I thought he was my McDreamy (the girls that get it, get it), but I was losing pieces of myself trying to keep him.
It all started in 2014. Me and my girls walked in Wawa and went to use the bathroom… We came out, and this guy was eyeing me down. You would have thought Rihanna walked out the bathroom, no lie. I remember what I had on too. I had on my favorite tight-fitting tye dye dress with my sandals… Then the next day, I get a couple likes on a couple pics on IG, and it was him …the guy from Wawa. I didn’t even realize he was following me on IG…
I asked my friend, “You think he cute?”… So I commented on one of his pics after checking out his page after he liked my pics and was like, “You could have said hi last night. I’m not mean lol.”
He replies, “DM me.” That DM turned into a damn relationship from HELL. Lmao jk jk… no, but forreal…
It was all so good… so damn good… but idk, all honeymoon phases are always good, right??
The long talks outside while I sit on the curb and talk his head off, the check-ins, the dates, the inviting me out with him and his friends. We honestly didn’t get intimate until like 5 months in, so that was another thing that had me like, ohhhh he in it forreal lmao! I ain’t gone front, so was I tho! He don’t just want me for sex… holding hands while he would drive, talking to me throughout the whole day, edible arrangements, vibing out in the car to Shy Glizzy and Partynextdoor, him watching me in my room play dress up and put outfits together…Cooking for him ,Making him breakfast in bed I can go on and on forreal… …idk, the connection was definitely strong…like too strong it was scary… Even if it was red flags during that time, shittttttt I totally missed it…
Oh wait, I thought wrong.
Damn, how am I about to do this… Fuck.
Okay, so boom. After he threw me a surprise birthday party in January (thoughtful, right?)… that’s when things went downhill forreal. Well, not right after, but it was always something about the month of March where I found some shit out…
So, two months later after my party …here we go! His ex liking my pics then DMing me… LAWDDDDDDD, why me? LOL! Sending screenshots… The screenshots broke my heart, man, forreal. The exchange between them was wild… Coming from a man I thought was my Prince Charming or was I just DELUSIONAL?
I was confused as fuck because we would be together a lot, so I didn’t even understand or couldn’t calculate how he even had the time to deal with her as well. But one thing I know now… a man will make time!!!
All it took was for him to say, “I need you.” Why is that a man’s favorite manipulative line? But it damn sure reeled my ass right back in… with him… in those sheets leaving imprints in the bed. Smhh…
The cycle continues.
I didn’t even realize that by staying after the first sign of disrespect, I was teaching this man how to treat me and showing him what I would allow.
I saw potential… and that potential is what had me slowly losing my self-worth and self-respect that I thought I had for myself. THIS RELATIONSHIP—UGHHH.
Of course, after the cheating came months of fake peace those periods of “false hope” that had me thinking maybe, just maybe, he’d changed… But nah… it was just that: false hope.
It’s weird because I feel like I was always holding on to the honeymoon phase. That’s what kept me in that delusional state of mind…
Let’s get back to the cycle, though, because after the first time, shit really didn’t end though… LOL.
I used to feel like a sister wife! Stuck in my own real-life Love and HipHop, seriously. My intuition was strong as fuck in that relationship, not going to lie, but I always turned my left cheek because I did not want to face another lie. But somehow, some way, another woman would pop right on up…
Fake pages hitting me up, exes popping up all the time, women that he smashing lurking on my page, different trips to the obgyn, women he’s smashing liking pics of me and him on his page LOL. Women trying to hang with me but knowing they are smashing my man DF. Women that didn’t like me would always somehow end up in his bed…and the list goes on…..
I am not going to lie, it was just fucking embarrassing, honestly…
Imma be real with y’all I don’t think I ever met somebody who got the award for Worst Cheater! I used to think in my head, he needs some pointers ’cause bookie was always getting caught. Lmaooo.
It’s like the longer I stayed, the insecurities, bitterness, and anger just kept building up… I was questioning my self-worth constantly, like,
“Am I not enough?”
“Am I not pretty enough?”
I became super codependent and controlling thinking I could control his every move because of the fear of another surprise from another woman…
The more I was hurting, the more I wanted to make him hurt too. I would chew his ass up every chance I got. I would talk to him like he meant nothing at all to me …straight trashing him because I was hurting… I was just angry. I didn’t understand somebody who says they love you and could keep hurting you over and over again… It just did not make sense to me???????
“You’re crazy” was his favorite line… Yeah, I actually was crazy for staying.
“You’re ungrateful” yeah, I was, because I knew the nice things he would try to do were a way to compensate for the things he was doing behind closed doors.
I became numb eventually… So the constant hurt started to turn into resentment and disgust…
Don’t get me wrong, we would have some good moments together, and sometimes he would try to do nice things. But my mind just could never stay in the moment because I just wasn’t happy with him. But I always felt an unhealthy attachment toward him… Was it an unhealthy attachment, or was it just my dad being absent?
You know it’s bad when your best friend starts crying because he did something so ratchet and embarrassing, and you’re not even crying because you’re just numb…
We actually broke up once for like six months… I mean, was it really a breakup, or did he block me? Lol! He was known for blocking me, man…
I remember one of his girl best friends calling me on Facebook Messenger and telling me everything he was doing and who he was doing it with while we were together. And I will never forget what she said:
“I don’t think he loves you. I don’t think he loves anybody… I know he has a soft spot for you, though.”
I THINK THAT WOULD MAKE ANY WOMAN FEEL WORTHLESS, FORREAL!
It’s funny because I would always go to my grandmom for advice about him, and she would always say, “Oh, that reminds me of your Pop Pop.”
And in my head, I used to think, I don’t want a man like my Pop Pop, but there I was…attracting him. Smh. (My Pop Pop was a rolling stone, man, and that’s exactly what I attracted.)
During the first breakup, I remember my mom saying to me, “I just want my daughter back.” I had completely lost myself, and it was showing.
My mom also yelled at me with tears in her eyes mine too! and said,
“You need to love yourself!!!!”
Meanwhile, she is staring at me. I’m looking like Holiday Heart… smh. Bonnet and all. Lmao!
After the six-month breakup, we get back together. I mean, they do say time heals and makes the heart fonder, but the time we were apart should have stayed permanent. because it was only a second until the cheating started happening again.
So here I am, part of the Matrix… and evolution of bullshit once again.
I won’t bore you guys with each and every cheat-get-caught scenario, but let me share with y’all what was my breaking point…
So… are you done now Tay?
