Idk Dad , I needed you (daddy issues , mending our relationship)
“You won’t ever need no other man.”
Every Valentine’s Day, he would say that to me, kiss me on the cheek, and hand me jewelry, a teddy bear, or flowers.
Well… up until I turned 14.
I was “First Lady” in his phone. The surprise birthday parties were a yearly thing every single birthday. He made sure I felt celebrated, seen, and loved the best he could.
And when that stopped, there I was young, confused, and already starting to search for him in men…..
I didn’t understand it at the time. I really thought it meant I wasn’t good enough… like maybe I did something wrong.
My first relationship started when I was 15, and that one turned into another… and another… I was in back-to-back relationships until I was 25.
Ya girl was codependent as fuck. But there I was, still searching for that love from him.
I guess the abandonment made me very clingy and attached to men in an unhealthy way, of course.
There were periods where we would talk in my 20’s , but y’all wanna know what’s crazy? I always had to reach out to him. It hurt, man. I always would reach out, and then we would talk, but it just never was enough for me. So I would either just not respond, or it would just fade.
I don’t know. I feel like I used to always want to ask, “Why did you forget me? Your first born?”
(It didnt make it any better that he was being a father to my two other sisters and not me)
But I never had the guts to say it… and it damn sure played out in my relationships with men. LAWDDDD.
So those times where I would reach out definitely manifested in me becoming very over-functioning in relationships me initiating texts, apologizing when I did nothing wrong, the fear of being forgotten had me doing these things…
That little girl in me always used to feel forgotten. So it’s like I would attract men who would overlook me. Here I am reminding them of my value by being an overgiver, performing in the bedroom all crazy, and tolerating bad behavior.
Damn, it’s crazy how a parent being absent can show up in your relationships. It’s actually embarrassing looking back at a lot of things I put up with in romantic relationships.
I always wondered if my dad was around during those times, would things have really been different?
I will never forget the one and only time where I actually felt jealousy in my body.
I remember it was Valentine’s Day, and I was with my ex. He didn’t get me anything or even acknowledge the day. It’s crazy because in that moment I thought about when my dad would surprise me every Valentine’s Day when I was a little girl.
In that moment, I felt forgotten because here I was overgiving and getting nothing in return.
I remember that night I was curious and I peeked on my little sister’s Facebook page. I always randomly checked her page. It actually sucks we aren’t closer, especially since I am a true family girl at heart.
I hate that most men create broken families because most times they create siblings that aren’t even close or they pick and choose which children they want to be dads to in the moment…
But let me get back on topic.
I remember going on her page and reading, word for word,
“I can always count on my dad to show up for me for Valentine’s Day. He never misses it.”
I felt so jealous, forgotten, and not worthy in that moment after seeing that and there I was, laying with a man who was making me feel the same exact way. SMH.
I always would think about him when we weren’t talking. It was always like a missing piece in my heart and a heaviness that I would silently carry… but then there was always the other side of it where the bitterness would creep up, and I would say in my mind,
“Fuck him. He don’t give a fuck about me because if he did, he would be playing his role as a father in my life.”
So at 29, it was heavy. I kept thinking about my dad all the time, and I kept saying to myself: by 30, I have to make a decision…..do I want to really rekindle this with him or just start grieving a man that’s alive who created me?
But no matter how long I pondered on the thought of reconnection with him, I honestly felt like I reached out enough. It was time for him to step up.
It was weird and random how we actually rekindled though
So at 30, my uncle overdosed. You know how when somebody dies, there are always so many people at the house the first week after the death?
I walked outside it was like around 8 or 9 pm and this black Dodge Charger stopped in front of my grandmom house. I was lowkey thinking,
“Who the fuck is this with tinted windows stopping in front of the house?”
I heard a male voice say, “Tay.” I was like, “Who is that?” and he yelled back, “Your dad.”
My heart actually sank a little, but I walked toward the car, and he got out and gave me a hug that felt like a long couple of minutes. Lol. It felt good though it was a hug I missed for real. And he kissed me on my forehead…..another thing he would always do when I was younger.
He said, “I knew something was going on because of all the cars that were outside.” I mentioned to him what was going on and how my uncle passed away.
Then we talked, and he FaceTimed my grandma (his mom). When she saw my face, she started crying and kept saying,
“I prayed to God that he would bring you back into my life.”
It’s sad, but when I wasn’t talking to him, it felt like the family stopped talking to me too…
Pretty childish but y’all know how momma’s boy families can be! 🤣
After the FaceTime call, I gave him my number. And yeah, that’s how we rekindled the father-daughter bond.
It’s crazy, right? How I was going to reach out and couldn’t, and God just made it so a moment happened where we aligned in a beautiful, random way. Lol.
A couple weeks later, he called me just saying how he wished he could have been a better father. He apologized and told me he knew he could have done better.
He also told me “ Thank you for giving me a second chance because most daughters dont do that”
I was able to tell him about past relationships, and he acknowledged that he knew I went through those things with men because he wasn’t around. It felt good to hear the apology. I still had to wait to see if the actions followed behind that though because in the past the actions did not add up…….
And surprisingly they did but I also knew that a relationship works both ways. So I had to play my part as a daughter if I wanted to keep this consistent and growing.
I feel like I used to always have the mindset like he owed me something. So with that mindset came,
“You need to be kissing my ass in order for this to work.”
I realized as I matured that you either going to really forgive him or have that childish-ass mindset. And guess what, y’all?
I truly forgive my dad 🤞🏾🤞🏾
I learned a lot on this journey and one thing I learned is that my parents were young when they had me with no handbook on this shit and had their own stuff they did not deal with….
I’m not justifying his absence or excusing the damage, but I realized my dad had a lot of trauma he did not work through and what he gave was the best he could.
It sucks that parents don’t realize how certain things affect their children, but holding onto that resentment was killing me inside, man.
At 31, our relationship is finally consistent and thriving. I’m just grateful to have my big dawg back in my life.
We’re starting fresh… building from where we are now, instead of staying stuck in the past.
Now, just because he’s in my life doesn’t make all the daddy issues go away. I am still working through them to attract the best partner.
Even with him back in my life, the work didn’t stop. I still had to look at how all those years without him shaped how I showed up in love and whew, it shaped a lot. Let me break it down.
How My Dad’s Absence Affected My Relationships with Men:
Codependency: I relied on men to fill the void my dad left, leading me to lose myself trying to be everything for someone else
Fear of Abandonment: I was constantly anxious about being forgotten or left behind, so I over-functioned to keep men around initiating texts, apologizing first, and sacrificing my own goddamn needs all the time
Seeking Validation: I performed emotionally and physically in relationships, hoping that love and attention would make me feel “seen” and “worthy.”
Tolerating Bad Behavior: Because I felt unseen, I often tolerated disrespect or neglect, believing that was all I deserved.
Unhealthy Attachment: I got attached fast and hard, struggling to set boundaries or walk away from toxic situations
Jealousy and Insecurity: My unresolved feelings of abandonment showed up as jealousy and mistrust, even when it wasn’t warranted
Difficulty Trusting: I had a hard time fully trusting men, always questioning their intentions because deep down I was still waiting to be “forgotten.”
Replaying Patterns: I subconsciously attracted men who mirrored my dad’s absence emotionally unavailable or inconsistent because it felt familiar, even if it hurt 😞😞
Healing from daddy issues has not been easy, and it’s still a work in progress.
I know not everyone can forgive their parents and that’s okay.
But for me, forgiving him wasn’t about excusing the pain…
It was about breaking the cycle.
I’m still learning how to love myself better, set boundaries, and stop settling for less than I deserve.
If you’re out here healing from a father wound, I see you and we’re on this journey together, girl 🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾
One step at a time.
