Why does this feel so familiar? (same patterns showing up in different men? PART ONE

First of all, can we get into how long ya girl been single? Six long assssssss years LOL.

That heartbreak I talked about in one of my previous blogs? YUP, that was the relationship. And as y’all can see, it took me tf out, and my ass been single ever since.

I used to be embarrassed to say how long I’d been single, but like… let’s be for real the dating pool got piss in it anyways, so I started to feel less bad about it. Plus, it was some inner shit I needed to work on before I got entangled with another man.

I can honestly say men left a bad taste in my mouth, so I really didn’t date that much. But there were two men I built a connection with and boy, oh boy let me tell y’all how those same patterns showed right tf up… just in different men.

LAWD. Like, Tay? Come on. You still missing red flags?

I damn sure was with these two.

Well if I’m being real I did see the red flags. But here I go, doing what I do best: ignoring my intuition.

Let’s get into the first guy.

We’ll call him Mr. Chocolate.

He matched my fly. Very funny. Not even really my type but he was fine, though. Idk why I love lightskinned men lol. I’ve been told to move it on over to the chocolate side I heard that’s where the grown men at. And that’s definitely what he was giving… real grown.

But that don’t mean nothing once you sprinkle emotional unavailability on it LOL.

He used to heart most of my stories and swipe up sometimes, but the thing is ….he was doing all that while he was in a relationship….I would just heart his replies mostly or just say Thank you…

Now that should’ve been the first red flag.

A year later, he becomes single and starts applying pressure in my Instagram DMs. And listen… he caught me at the right time, because ya girl was drunk the night I gave him my number.

And just like that? Hours and hours of phone conversations followed.

At the time, I was living in Philly and he was living in NY. He’d ask me out on dates, and definitely suggested I come stay the weekend with him. But honestly, I just wasn’t with it.

Because I already knew what would come with that.

I go out there, we have a good weekend… and then what?

Yeah come on. Y’all know what was gonna be up.

But I wasn’t with it at all. I didn’t have it in me to be sexual with a man after my ex…..

I was hesitant with him from the beginning.

Idk… something about him made me pause.

Still, we kept up our routine regular phone convos, three to four hours long. He’d call me while he was at work. We texted a lot.

I even invited him to be my date to my friend’s wedding, and he was ready. Asking when he should take off work, all excited to come.

But I changed my mind and went by myself.

Another year went by.

We still hadn’t seen each other in person, but we’d talk here and there. Still had that strong-ass chemistry though. But if I’m being honest I was the one playing at that point.

Eventually, we did go on a date.

He took me to this Caribbean spot in Philly that plays Afrobeat music. He said he chose it because he knew I loved Afrobeats.

(Okay, that was cute.)

Now, before the date even happened, he said, “After we eat, do you wanna get a room and have a nightcap?”

Idk why that gave red flag. I mean, I know we’re grown, but it felt like…

“Since I’m finally taking you out, I better get something in return.”

And in my head, I was also like, Do you do this with every woman?

Even though I said no at first after the date, I was like, “Fuck it. You can get the room.”

But y’all as I was saying it, I knew I didn’t want to. I don’t even know why I said yes.

So yeah, he gets the room. And of course HE SCORED.

Good for him. Not so much for me.

Because the whole time, I was detached in the moment.

Sexually, mentally, emotionally I wasn’t even there.

And that’s how I knew something was off.

Because the chemistry was real outside the bedroom but it did not follow us in there.

I had been abstinent for two years.

And to be real with y’all I would’ve wanted to break that with a better situation. Or a relationship. Something with meaning……

And y’all we even told each other “I love you” a few times in those long convos….

Looking back, it was more fantasy than reality but at the time ya girl was being delu delu 😭😭

So the next morning, he drops me off…

And the next day?

Oh, the next dayyyyy…

crickets.

And there it was.

The pattern showing up again.

I had seen the emotional unavailability in the phone calls. I overlooked things he said because the connection was bomb. But it all felt so… familiar.

My ex was very emotionally unavailable, so that’s where the familiarity came in with Mr. Chocolate.

But if I’m being real? The root of it all was me….

I kept attracting emotionally unavailable men because deep down, that stems from my daddy wounds.

Yes, there’s so much more I could say about Mr. Chocolate. But then this would turn into many parts and I ain’t tryna drag it.

If this was a book, he’d have a whole chapter.

But looking back, it wasn’t even about Mr. Chocolate.

It was about me still not trusting myself.

I felt the red flags.

I heard my intuition.

And still, I moved anyway.

Not out of desire but out of pattern.

A pattern of ignoring my spirit just to feel some kind of connection… even if it wasn’t the right kind.

He was cool. But let’s be real he showed me that emotional unavailability can come in a fly ass package.

And the worst part?

I felt it…

But I said “fuck it” anyway.

And that’s what I had to sit with.

Not him disappearing.

But the dumb feeling. The embarrassment.

I wasn’t even mad at him ….I was mad at me.

Because deep down… I already knew.

I knew what that pattern was serving the minute it showed up.

Part 2 in next blog