Why does this feel so familiar? (same patterns showing up in different men? PART TWO
Whew, well Mr. Chocolate definitely took me for a little ride, didn’t he?…..
But the thing is, he wasn’t the only one. Remember how I said I only built a connection with two men since my last relationship?
Well, let’s talk about the second one. We can call him Mr. Conscious… well, he thought he was. LOL.
If Mr. Chocolate was a lesson, this next one was the pop quiz I still wasn’t ready for. Now this one whew, where do we start?
This connection was only 6 months, and to keep it real with y’all, it ended like 2 months ago…
So yeah, let’s get into it.
Same cycle. New man. Different lesson.
I’m so tired of these goddamn lessons. Like, am I hard-headed or what?
So, me and Mr. Conscious he actually presented himself that way, that’s why I named him that. LOL.
Our chemistry was A1, so intense, so deeeeppp…
I actually knew him from way back, like high school days never really paid attention to him though. Just last year was when he started being real persistent, reacting and replying to my stories.
One day, I finally replied. (Well, I would always reply, but it wouldn’t go nowhere.) But this time it did. I think he replied to my story, I responded, and the convo led to him getting my number because atp I was like fuck it.
He wasn’t really my type either. He was attractive though, with pretty ass eyes…
We would text and send voice messages back and forth, and idk… certain things we talked about definitely were giving red flags with the way he responded to stuff.
What I did like was our convos were very intellectual, so it felt good to talk to somebody like that.
But what was alarming was the bitterness he had toward certain people in his past like ex-girlfriends.
Idk… I noted that, because it always gave “they did something to him,” and he had no part in anything.
And yes, I know you can be hurt, but damn with everybody? You gonna play the blame game?
(So in my head, I would always think like, mmm he probably doesn’t take accountability.)
All of this was in the summer, and I kind of just stopped responding after a while because something just felt off…
I remember letting one of my friends listen to one of his voice messages, and she was like, “Girllll he sounds crazy.” LMAOO.
Then November rolls around, and I had a dream about him. So I told him… and that’s how we started talking again.
Now do y’all see how ya girl just ignores her intuition? Why tf would I even talk to him again 🤣 after my intuition was screaming
When we finally saw each other, he surprised me with a Lego set. He said, “I saw you post a status on Facebook about how much you love Lego sets.” (I do love building Legos.) So yeah, that was very thoughtful of him. Then we went to sit by the water and had a deep conversation that lasted for hours…
Idk. Our chemistry was so fire 😫😫
I think that’s what was blinding my grown ass but then again, I should’ve never started talking to him again in the first place.
So days go by, we vibin’. My birthday comes around. He had wanted to take me away for that weekend, but I just wasn’t with it. Idk why…
Of course, we kept seeing each other. Great convo. Great phone convos.
But little things started to happen. He became a lil too clingy, too fast. Started saying how I react to everybody man FB post (which was definitely NOT the truth). I feel like because we had a lot of mutuals on Facebook, it gave that vibe.
He was a lil possessive. He always would say, “I hate people.”
Idk we too grown to be walking around saying that. LOL.
He was also very introverted, but I feel like it was because he didn’t trust nobody. That was another thing his trust issues were too much for me.
He was always on edge too idk like something little could tick him off …( that was definitely a red flag)
He complained all the time. It was giving… he wanted me to baby him. Idk.
Here go me, researching on Google: “How do men with mommy issues act in relationships?”
Because all that shit got projected onto me.
I felt smothered.
And mind you, y’all we were not even in a relationship.
He always claimed he was a healer, but he was the one who needed it. SHITTT.
LOL remind me to stay away from the “woke” men PULEASE…
He did ask me to be his girlfriend though. But I would really go around answering the question because I was unsure.
Deep down I knew there were too many red flags already showing before he even asked.
I think the arguments are what sealed the deal for me.
Y’all probably like, “What could y’all possibly be arguing about?”
It would literally be dumb stuff, but he did not know how to control his anger. And when we would argue lawddd the way my body would feel… I did not like it.
I would literally start hyperventilating.
(and remember from my blog about the domestic violence relationship I still get ptsd if a man lashes out or has anger issues)
Who y’all think it reminded me of?
Yup. There goes my Pop Pop showing up in men again…
My grandfather would react in a very emotionally unstable way during conflict. I remember those feelings growing up and here I am, playing that out with a man that ain’t even my man.
There goes that goddamn familiarity that keeps showing up for me…
And it’s crazy because as y’all can see I see the red flags early on.
It’s just me always trying to go against what I see.
Or is it that there are still self-worth issues lingering around somewhere?
Ehh… maybe
So yeah, I do believe once it got intimate (we only were intimate twice) and this guy came two years after Mr. Chocolate.
So I went to abstaining again after him Mr Chocolate…..
And here I am… breaking another 2-year bid with somebody I should’ve held off with…
The D was good though. Not even going to hold you. That was probably the first man that ever made me feel safe in my body. Whew.
But I had to learn… the D will blind you, man. It will blind you so bad.
It was weird though how I felt safe in my body with him during sex, but that was the only time.
I mean… was it really me feeling safe?
Or was he just the first man in my life to press magic buttons and figure my body out?
TMI TMI lmaooo.
Our connection was giving Huda and Jeremiah from Love Island.
Very toxic. Very delu delu.
On a serious note though, y’all, I really had to self-reflect after dealing with him.
Like… it was too much. Too much that I didn’t even tell most of it.
Mr. Conscious would have his own chapter too if this was a book.
I blame myself though. I saw the red flags and heel-toed right over them.
I had a trauma work session, and she said to me:
“You need to ask yourself why you keep walking over red flags. Is it self-worth? Was it loneliness from being single for so long? Did you want connection so bad that you just kept going?”
And I honestly couldn’t even answer in the moment… because I didn’t even know why I overlooked the red flags.
I think now I have the answer.
I think now I have the answer.
I think it was the connection and attention from him.
He had a soft, caring side I genuinely loved. He was the kind of man who would send long paragraphs about how he felt and actually express them in person too. He also had that protector vibe…. He was a great communicator …shit he helped me work on my communication 😭😭
But whewww… all his other issues went above that. Forreal.
but good moments should never cancel out unhealthy behavior 🤷🏽♀️
Welp. Mr. Chocolate and Mr. Conscious… whewww. That was too familiar for me….
I mean damn, y’all I’ve been working on myself for a while now, and I honestly was embarrassed that I even saw certain things and kept going.
But I had to be real with myself and admit:
Maybe I did want the connection.
Because I was always in a relationship back to back, and not gonna lie being single for 6 years? Sometimes the loneliness would creep up…..
I mean… I’m human.
We all crave connection.
But I also had to be real with myself and say:
“When you know better, you do better.”
So Tay… stop ignoring the damn red flags.
Start believing that your intuition isn’t trying to ruin anything it’s trying to save you.
